Thank God i didn't check on my birthday itself.
It would have been a horrible way to end the day.
Tch.
I don't know if I should be sad or angry.
Gah.
Fuck you.

You know what the best part was?
The best part was that I was actually waiting -
waiting for you.
Read through every single birthday wish
hoping yours would pop up.

And then I get that kind of a message.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry now.

You know,
I usually don’t change my mind once i’m set on it either.
So fucking how?

You know,
in church they said
'love always excuses'.
I always came up with some excuse for you.
I ALWAYS came up with some fucking excuse for you.
And frankly, I still wish to.
I want to tell myself,
'Its just a passing phase',
'Probably its just midterm stress taking its toll.'
'He just wants some space.'

I hope it is.

But if 'nope' now seems to indicate
'never',
'0 chance',
well.
I don't feel like hoping any more.

Don't you know.
Once a word leaves your lips,
you can
NEVER
take it back.

I hope you remember what words you said to me.
What hopes you raised.
Hopes which you now have dashed.

You know what -
even if you are not my friend.
Even if you dislike me.
You are still a part of my life.
Perhaps not my personal life any more,
but nonetheless still in a significant part of my life.
For as long as I see you every Sunday,
For as long as you are in STAC,
For as long as I hear news of you,
you will be imprinted more and more into my memories.
Just like Selene, Amanda, Jeremy, Marilyn, Suzette, Shirin, Isabel, Amanda, Priscillia, Vanessa.
Just like Leonard, Sam, Bernard, Michael, Laoren.
Even though some have already moved on,
I still have fond memories of all of them.
And you,
despite whatever you claim and assert,
are already a part of that collection of memories.

And since when have I wasted time and effort on you as a friend?
It was only during that short span of time that I actually invested anything in you.
Almost everything, actually, you faggot.
And for that large investment, what returns have you given me?
Practically 0. Zero.
Perhaps some fleeting happiness,
but even then, it wasn't much.
My own imaginary friends can give me as much.
But I was hoping that with time,
this investment would mature and bloom.
Did it?

And in any case.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY BLOODY NEW FRIENDS.
If you have never noticed,
I'm NOT the sociable type.
And with this kind of memory still fresh in my mind,
Do you think I would WANT to make any bloody friends?
I'd be happier burying myself in online nonsense - troll websites, facebook, manga, games, and whatnot.
Work has also been one of my best distractions.
But I really can't imagine myself saying, 'Hi, I'm Berenice, whats your name?' with a genuine intent for friendship.
No.

And what 'youth' have I to talk about?
You were my youth.
That's it.
I'm 20 now,
I'm old.
Everything I have wanted to try in my 'youth', I have already done so.
It hasn't been a perfect 'youth'.
Far from ideal, in fact.
Quite screwed up, actually.
But most of it was what I wanted to try out,
so I don't really have any complaints.

Except for the human factor.
Perhaps the human factor was something that I thought I could manage,
but it is unpredictable.
Highly variable.
And ultimately, it slipped out of my grasp.
Computers and games are all pre-programmed.
They may grow and mature,
but they will never develop an intellect.
They will never try to manipulate your emotions.
They will never betray your effort.
And I was complacent,
imagining that everything in this real world be just as simple.
What a fool I was!

Okay, fine.
I'm done with this rant.
I need to go and work.
At least I get some returns in the form of money.
Unlike relationships where you invest all and lose all.
It's a bitter experience, I felt cheated, scammed.
But that only happens to stupid people who let themselves be taken advantage of, right?
So yeah.
I was stupid.
I won't be stupid again.
I will live my life the way I want to,
and I won't give a shit about you any more than I'll give to the next person.

Thank God i didn't check on my birthday itself.
It would have been a horrible way to end the day.
Tch.
I don't know if I should be sad or angry.
Gah.
Fuck you.

You know what the best part was?
The best part was that I was actually waiting -
waiting for you.
Read through every single birthday wish
hoping yours would pop up.

And then I get that kind of a message.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry now.

You know,
I usually don’t change my mind once i’m set on it either.
So fucking how?

You know,
in church they said
'love always excuses'.
I always came up with some excuse for you.
I ALWAYS came up with some fucking excuse for you.
And frankly, I still wish to.
I want to tell myself,
'Its just a passing phase',
'Probably its just midterm stress taking its toll.'
'He just wants some space.'

I hope it is.

But if 'nope' now seems to indicate
'never',
'0 chance',
well.
I don't feel like hoping any more.

Don't you know.
Once a word leaves your lips,
you can
NEVER
take it back.

I hope you remember what words you said to me.
What hopes you raised.
Hopes which you now have dashed.

You know what -
even if you are not my friend.
Even if you dislike me.
You are still a part of my life.
Perhaps not my personal life any more,
but nonetheless still in a significant part of my life.
For as long as I see you every Sunday,
For as long as you are in STAC,
For as long as I hear news of you,
you will be imprinted more and more into my memories.
Just like Selene, Amanda, Jeremy, Marilyn, Suzette, Shirin, Isabel, Amanda, Priscillia, Vanessa.
Just like Leonard, Sam, Bernard, Michael, Laoren.
Even though some have already moved on,
I still have fond memories of all of them.
And you,
despite whatever you claim and assert,
are already a part of that collection of memories.

And since when have I wasted time and effort on you as a friend?
It was only during that short span of time that I actually invested anything in you.
Almost everything, actually, you faggot.
And for that large investment, what returns have you given me?
Practically 0. Zero.
Perhaps some fleeting happiness,
but even then, it wasn't much.
My own imaginary friends can give me as much.
But I was hoping that with time,
this investment would mature and bloom.
Did it?

And in any case.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY BLOODY NEW FRIENDS.
If you have never noticed,
I'm NOT the sociable type.
And with this kind of memory still fresh in my mind,
Do you think I would WANT to make any bloody friends?
I'd be happier burying myself in online nonsense - troll websites, facebook, manga, games, and whatnot.
Work has also been one of my best distractions.
But I really can't imagine myself saying, 'Hi, I'm Berenice, whats your name?' with a genuine intent for friendship.
No.

And what 'youth' have I to talk about?
You were my youth.
That's it.
I'm 20 now,
I'm old.
Everything I have wanted to try in my 'youth', I have already done so.
It hasn't been a perfect 'youth'.
Far from ideal, in fact.
Quite screwed up, actually.
But most of it was what I wanted to try out,
so I don't really have any complaints.

Except for the human factor.
Perhaps the human factor was something that I thought I could manage,
but it is unpredictable.
Highly variable.
And ultimately, it slipped out of my grasp.
Computers and games are all pre-programmed.
They may grow and mature,
but they will never develop an intellect.
They will never try to manipulate your emotions.
They will never betray your effort.
And I was complacent,
imagining that everything in this real world be just as simple.
What a fool I was!

Okay, fine.
I'm done with this rant.
I need to go and work.
At least I get some returns in the form of money.
Unlike relationships where you invest all and lose all.
It's a bitter experience, I felt cheated, scammed.
But that only happens to stupid people who let themselves be taken advantage of, right?
So yeah.
I was stupid.
I won't be stupid again.
I will live my life the way I want to,
and I won't give a shit about you any more than I'll give to the next person.