i have this habit
of shoving things under the mat,
figuratively.
hiding behind figures of authority,
wearing different masks in front of different people.
So that i could cope
with the many situations life threw at me.
i thought
that was the way to deal with pain and hurt.
hide it.
mask it.
pretend it did not exist.
no one wanted to know about it anyway.

but recently in sociology, i learnt
the masks you wear
eventually become the you that you are.
i have been wearing so many masks
i thought i could never discard them all.
that life would be a journey of deception,
switching from mask to mask,
never showing my true self.

then i met Jason,
and felt that i could finally discard those masks
and be myself.
i could love
and be loved in return.
i could shed my pride for him,
and not be hurt in return.
i could be myself
without any external evaluation or judgement.

then everything happened.

and now Awaken.
it is true.
i have awakened to the harsh reality.
even if i want to love them
they still hurt me.
it makes it so hard for me.
to hear them say those cutting words so easily.
whats worse is their casual comments
that reflect their changed opinion of me.
the small actions
that show how they don't trust me anymore.
and how do i react in return?
i foolishly hurt them back.
in that moment,
i couldn't think.
i was just so hurt.
and you weren't even sorry.
you were like,
'that's life, suck it up.'
how can i love you like that?
i don't know how to face you all anymore.
i don't know how to face God anymore.
i know he loves me.
infinitely.
but i keep letting him down.
again and again.
i can control myself when i try hard.
and i have been trying.
and i have been controlling myself physically.
but what of emotions?

what of external factors that i can't control?
its not that i want to control them.
but its just so unrelenting.
hurt people hurt people.
you get it?
people who are hurt, hurt others in return.
i'm hurting,
hurting so much.
and just as awakened healed me,
and just as i stepped out of the retreat
apprehensive, but willing to give it a try,
you cut me down.
pa-bow! bam! cr-ash!

and everything reverts back to how it was before.
you probably didn't even realise what you did.
even if i told you,
you'd just laugh it off,
like what you did.
hurting me
again
and
again.

I know humans are fallible creatures.
i know i'm fallible.
thats why i'm trying so hard.
perhaps not hard enough.
but why aren't you trying either?
why?
do you think your hurtful actions are justified?
i know you do.
just as you think your actions for kor were justified,
you think your actions for me are justified too.
i'm not talking about the lectures, or scolding.
i'm talking about the after-effects.
the way you treat me like a pariah.
the metaphysical killing of my soul.
so slowly, so deliberate.
so unaware.

In the end it all boils down to God.
It sounds like a hasty conclusion,
but it isn't.
With our human limitations,
we can't end the cycle of hurt.
I hurt you, you hurt me, we're a bleeding family.
Its not funny.
I'm so tired of it all.
I was so tired i gave it all up to God.
And he granted me rest.
Rest in the Spirit.
I had never rested that well in such a long, long while.
I was completely at peace.
But now i've fallen again.

Life is about the struggle, isn't it.
Until the day we enter the heavenly kingdom,
these struggles won't end.

And so i lift them up to you, Lord.
I know that alone, i'm weak.
I try, and fail. And try again.
And thats why cynics always win.
Cause bad things will happen to everyone.
If you keep saying that people will fall,
people will fail;
its true. They do.
But you don't need to rub the salt in.
Instead,
help them up.
Guide them along.
Don't make this journey harder than it already is.

Thats why God is so necessary.
Only God can give us the grace to be nice to others when they hurt us.
Give us love to forgive; not just others, but ourselves too, when our hearts are full of bitterness and self-hatred.
Give us the strength to bite back the hurtful word and offer it up as a sacrifice.
Give us the courage to do the right thing when the world screams otherwise.
Give us the fortitude to keep striving to do good,
so that even if we stumble and fall along the way,
we know that we once had the capacity to be good,
and so not give up, but instead pick our battered bodies up,
reach out and hold on to your loving hand,
and continue on this journey
until we reach your heavenly kingdom,
Amen.

i have this habit
of shoving things under the mat,
figuratively.
hiding behind figures of authority,
wearing different masks in front of different people.
So that i could cope
with the many situations life threw at me.
i thought
that was the way to deal with pain and hurt.
hide it.
mask it.
pretend it did not exist.
no one wanted to know about it anyway.

but recently in sociology, i learnt
the masks you wear
eventually become the you that you are.
i have been wearing so many masks
i thought i could never discard them all.
that life would be a journey of deception,
switching from mask to mask,
never showing my true self.

then i met Jason,
and felt that i could finally discard those masks
and be myself.
i could love
and be loved in return.
i could shed my pride for him,
and not be hurt in return.
i could be myself
without any external evaluation or judgement.

then everything happened.

and now Awaken.
it is true.
i have awakened to the harsh reality.
even if i want to love them
they still hurt me.
it makes it so hard for me.
to hear them say those cutting words so easily.
whats worse is their casual comments
that reflect their changed opinion of me.
the small actions
that show how they don't trust me anymore.
and how do i react in return?
i foolishly hurt them back.
in that moment,
i couldn't think.
i was just so hurt.
and you weren't even sorry.
you were like,
'that's life, suck it up.'
how can i love you like that?
i don't know how to face you all anymore.
i don't know how to face God anymore.
i know he loves me.
infinitely.
but i keep letting him down.
again and again.
i can control myself when i try hard.
and i have been trying.
and i have been controlling myself physically.
but what of emotions?

what of external factors that i can't control?
its not that i want to control them.
but its just so unrelenting.
hurt people hurt people.
you get it?
people who are hurt, hurt others in return.
i'm hurting,
hurting so much.
and just as awakened healed me,
and just as i stepped out of the retreat
apprehensive, but willing to give it a try,
you cut me down.
pa-bow! bam! cr-ash!

and everything reverts back to how it was before.
you probably didn't even realise what you did.
even if i told you,
you'd just laugh it off,
like what you did.
hurting me
again
and
again.

I know humans are fallible creatures.
i know i'm fallible.
thats why i'm trying so hard.
perhaps not hard enough.
but why aren't you trying either?
why?
do you think your hurtful actions are justified?
i know you do.
just as you think your actions for kor were justified,
you think your actions for me are justified too.
i'm not talking about the lectures, or scolding.
i'm talking about the after-effects.
the way you treat me like a pariah.
the metaphysical killing of my soul.
so slowly, so deliberate.
so unaware.

In the end it all boils down to God.
It sounds like a hasty conclusion,
but it isn't.
With our human limitations,
we can't end the cycle of hurt.
I hurt you, you hurt me, we're a bleeding family.
Its not funny.
I'm so tired of it all.
I was so tired i gave it all up to God.
And he granted me rest.
Rest in the Spirit.
I had never rested that well in such a long, long while.
I was completely at peace.
But now i've fallen again.

Life is about the struggle, isn't it.
Until the day we enter the heavenly kingdom,
these struggles won't end.

And so i lift them up to you, Lord.
I know that alone, i'm weak.
I try, and fail. And try again.
And thats why cynics always win.
Cause bad things will happen to everyone.
If you keep saying that people will fall,
people will fail;
its true. They do.
But you don't need to rub the salt in.
Instead,
help them up.
Guide them along.
Don't make this journey harder than it already is.

Thats why God is so necessary.
Only God can give us the grace to be nice to others when they hurt us.
Give us love to forgive; not just others, but ourselves too, when our hearts are full of bitterness and self-hatred.
Give us the strength to bite back the hurtful word and offer it up as a sacrifice.
Give us the courage to do the right thing when the world screams otherwise.
Give us the fortitude to keep striving to do good,
so that even if we stumble and fall along the way,
we know that we once had the capacity to be good,
and so not give up, but instead pick our battered bodies up,
reach out and hold on to your loving hand,
and continue on this journey
until we reach your heavenly kingdom,
Amen.