Falling in love is so emotionally exhausting,
And we all know what happened with my last relationship.
So.
I don't know if i'm willing to take the risk again -
Put everything on the line,
Again.
Not knowing if it will be dashed to bits or not,
My already once-broken heart.

I don't dare to give my all
Because i'm afraid that if i give my all,
And if,
If,
If
It happens,
Then what would be left of me?
Nothing.
Because i gave every last piece of myself to you.

And you can say i'm selfish, but
I don't want to feel that loneliness,
That despair of being cast aside,
That complete and utter emptiness,
Again.

So, please pardon my hesitation.
Pardon my lack of enthusiasm.
Because in spite of all the pretty words spoken,
All the promises made
(which i do intend to keep),
There lies this seed of doubt at the back of my mind.

The possibility that everything might not work out,
That this impossibly perfect world might just come crashing down on me,
Again.

But yet,
The warm blood flows through me,
Reminding me that i'm human,
That i have a heart,
Emotions.

Emotions that
Deny logic.

Emotions that
Cast aside fears and doubt.

Emotions that
Keep me trusting despite all odds.

So is this called love?

Or am i just trying to convince myself?

Am i so desperate to fall in love?

I can't seem to answer these questions myself.

Mind versus heart.

Can i never end the conflict?

Just read Jack London's "Call of the Wild"
Felt the story much more than when i last read it as a kid.
Reminded me of 犬犬。
Ah. T_T
Taught me about life.
I felt like a Dave.
Or perhaps a Sol-Leks,
tired and weary, but trudging on because of my pride in duty.
but then again where should my priorities lie?
School should take precedence over work.
But work is more satisfying.
Me with my penchant for instant gratification. Haha.
Agh i really need to study!!
And sleep as well, for that matter.
Oh yes, i should take vitamins and etc as well.
Sigh.
Sometimes i wonder what kind of a person am i.
Despicable, i'd say.
Disappointing.
Half-baked.
Sigh.
I know.
I should work on it.
I will.

Family:
Dad & Mom: new home slippers!
Kor: socks + watch
Dajie: NOTHING (lol)
Belicia: ultra-cute air mail letter pouch!

Choir:
Sweets, candy and more candy.
Big+Small Bongs: File
Vanessa+Ivan: Mug
Marilyn: Tupperware (lol)

Lees:
Dai Kau Fu: Ang Pow
Ejiong+Ema: Ang Pow + Bakkwa? & Mighty Hamper
Sai Kau Mo: Drapey Knit Top

Choongs:
Uncle Peter: VOUCHERSS!! @u@
Uncle Philip: nothing

Now on hindsight the presents don't seem to be much, but i got a few significant gifts, i.e. slippers and pouch. lol idk why i'm so happy this christmas, lol!

I'm falling,
I'm
F
A
L
L
I

N

G

.

I can't help it but i'm falling.
There isn't any controlling,
And i know there's a hard floor waiting.

I know there'll be major hurting -
But i'm falling.

its really been a while now.
probably forgot quite a few details.
actually i documented this on the shared blog.
the one jason and i used to share.
but then he so smartly deleted it.
without even asking me.

dammit why does his name have to keep appearing in my posts.
rage face.

ok on to the facts.

continuing from the point where Mr. ex dropped me off at the A&E bay.
Da jie and I got registered, and then they took my essentials.
My blood pressure was really low, so they kept on taking it again and again.
it happens everywhere.
i somehow get a kick from seeing the people's puzzled faces.
'is the machine spoilt?'
'lets try another machine.'
'why not we do it manually',
etc.
funny, funny.

So after that, another round of waiting.
i had to wait for them to register me, and after quite a while,
(da jie was holding the huge holiday-esque packed duffle bag)
they called me in.
da jie couldn't come in either. so she had to stay outside and wait.
i took my handphone along.

then there was another round of bp measuring and SP02 and whatnot.
then they did the breathing test again. yeah i forgot to mention that.
they'd put a stethescope on my back to check right lung against left lung.
and then they'd all panic cause there wasn't any breathing sounds from my right lung. lol.
which meant that it had collapsed pretty bad.
but my left lung was compensating, so i could still be happy and merry.
but of course its a bad thing.

then they made me take off my shoes, put me on a bed, and wheeled me into this sorta private corridor.
then they hooked me up to monitor my vitals, and left me waiting there.
and they said i couldn't use my handphone.
but i got so bored, after a while i started texting da jie anyway.
i also overheard how that day was 'pneumothorax day', cause there were so many pneumothorax cases.
so i asked what it was, and i got my explanation, albeit quite briefly.
i also heard how i was an unusual case cause i was female, non-smoker, and not tall and skinny.
then i was left alone again.

then they suddenly put up a set of screens, and a bunch of girls came around, and a doctor told me they would need to preform this procedure called needle aspiration.
which is basically poking a needle into the pocket of air formed between the inner lining of the intercostal muscles and the collapsed lung, and using the needle to suck the air out.
then hopefully, my lung would re-expand and be okay.
so there was some improvement, and they sent me back.

then a few days (or was it the next day?)
my lung recollapsed again.
this time i was supposed to go to the zoo with jason.
but as i was crossing the overhead bridge, i got really really breathless.
this time without the sharp pain, but it was really REALLY breathless
like alot more than before.
it was like i was inhaling and exhaling as much as i could,
but only a very small amount of air was getting in.
so we took public transport, or was it cab? to ttsh again.

this time, they admitted me, and did a chest tube.
which made breathing hurt like fuck.
like i could feel the tube inside me, and it was rubbing against my lung or something every time i tried to breathe.
after a day or so the pain got better, and eventually i managed to reach the stage where i would hold the box and walk around to do my business, and just basically stretch out my legs.
oh yes, sitting and lying down hurt like hell, too. cause the wound site was on my shoulder.
for the first one or two nights, i couldn't sleep properly cause the pressure against the wound site was just too fucking painful.

Then a while after that, the doctor basically told me that the chest tube wasn't working and he didn't know why, so they fiddled with it. like poked it deeper, try to do this, and that and etc.
OH YEAH.
i forgot to mention!
they did the chest tube thing in the corridor again,
but this time, i got nervous, so when they injected the local anaesthesia, i fainted.
lol.
joke, sia.
so yeah i didn't get to experience the procedure of getting a chest tube poked into your body.
the scar left behind is my shoulder scar, which i didn't name, cause its fading pretty well, imo.
caterpillar, butterfly and dragonfly are taking a while longer.
dragonfly is starting to fade too. whee!

back to the topic.
so after the chest tube failed, and my lungs weren't getting any better, the doctors had to find a solution.
so their conclusion was to have a little op.
oh yes, i had xrays every morning, and did blood tests morning and night too, and had my vitals measured on a regular basis. can't say i didn't like the attention. xD
though occasionally the drawing of blood for the tests would hurt a bit cause my veins were small and the needle would miss, then they'd have to try a different site. lol. like poking into meat sia. surprisingly enough, the IV i had didn't hurt.
Anyway. I always wanted to try poking an IV permanently, and connecting it to a saline bag, and just hydrate myself off the saline. then i wouldn't need to bother to drink water, or at least i'd be less dehydrated. unlike now. meh.
Ok thats pretty gross, but it was just an idea of mine.
y'know, for the sake of convenience.

so anyway.
they made my vitals improve until i was ready for surgery, then they wheeled me in.
quite exciting.
they put me on this surgery plinth, and made me sign a form, then they put me in the anaesthesia waiting room, and a girl student talked to me to help me relax. she was nice
then they wheeled me in, told me to relax, and asked me to breathe the gas. the doc said count down from ten, and by the time you reach zero, you'd be asleep. if you even reach zero at all.
so i was like okey. 10, 9, 8, gone.

lol
when i woke, the surgery was over, but instead of being the promised 1-2 hour surgery, it turned out to be a 6 hour surgery.
i think mom and dad were panicking like crazy.
turns out, i didn't just have one blister on my lung surface, i had a whole bunch of them at the top of my right lung.
so they had to staple off the affected area, aka the top of my lung, and trim the bad tissue away. so i lost a part of my lung.
and when i woke, the first thing that struck me was 'i'm cold!!' it was freaking cold. it was like the most cold i had ever been. and i kept complaining to the nurses between chattering teeth. so in the end the nurse turned this massive fan at me, and blew hot air over me. it helped, but not much.

recuperation wasn't fun, i had to do breathing exercises with the physio, and it hurt to breathe. the morphine didn't help either. heroin would probably have been more effective. all the morphine did was give me a slight buzz - even alcohol could get me more relaxed.. so anyway.
the blood tests and xrays still continued, and cause i wasn't improving fast enough, the doctors scolded me regularly, and dr. bala (the physio) kept on reminding me to breathe the thing. damn! they have no idea how much it hurt.

eventually, when i got better, and after a lot of gifts, i was finally discharged. a while later, my stitches healed, so i went to the polyclinic to get them removed. it actually felt pretty painless.

yup. so thats about it for my pneumothorax case, if you still don't know what pneumothorax is, its basically a lung collapse, go google it. haha.

A boy took my heart. But not my spirit.

I wish I could tell my story.
Maybe you can guess its not a 'pretty' story.
But I'm ready to turn the page with you.

been sighing so much recently.
i feel that everyone's just moving at their own pace
and are dragging me along
regardless of the fact that i'm tired
and i don't want to move.

i just want to rest
sleep
and keep sleeping
and yeah.
have the luxury of not needing to wake.
ever.
not needing to face the shit in this world
not needing to be dragged through mud
not needing to be constantly harassed and annoyed
not needing to face the things that stab me in the heart

yeah its a coward's way out.
i'm a coward.
i don't want to act strong and all that
i'm not like that
its so very very tiring
to keep up the act
but can i let it all fall apart?
no.

i still have my obligations and responsibilities.
fuck those two words
so sick of them plaguing me
gah.
sigh.

モンスターハンター。。。 く！ *はなぢ*

Thank God i didn't check on my birthday itself.
It would have been a horrible way to end the day.
Tch.
I don't know if I should be sad or angry.
Gah.
Fuck you.

You know what the best part was?
The best part was that I was actually waiting -
waiting for you.
Read through every single birthday wish
hoping yours would pop up.

And then I get that kind of a message.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry now.

You know,
I usually don’t change my mind once i’m set on it either.
So fucking how?

You know,
in church they said
'love always excuses'.
I always came up with some excuse for you.
I ALWAYS came up with some fucking excuse for you.
And frankly, I still wish to.
I want to tell myself,
'Its just a passing phase',
'Probably its just midterm stress taking its toll.'
'He just wants some space.'

I hope it is.

But if 'nope' now seems to indicate
'never',
'0 chance',
well.
I don't feel like hoping any more.

Don't you know.
Once a word leaves your lips,
you can
NEVER
take it back.

I hope you remember what words you said to me.
What hopes you raised.
Hopes which you now have dashed.

You know what -
even if you are not my friend.
Even if you dislike me.
You are still a part of my life.
Perhaps not my personal life any more,
but nonetheless still in a significant part of my life.
For as long as I see you every Sunday,
For as long as you are in STAC,
For as long as I hear news of you,
you will be imprinted more and more into my memories.
Just like Selene, Amanda, Jeremy, Marilyn, Suzette, Shirin, Isabel, Amanda, Priscillia, Vanessa.
Just like Leonard, Sam, Bernard, Michael, Laoren.
Even though some have already moved on,
I still have fond memories of all of them.
And you,
despite whatever you claim and assert,
are already a part of that collection of memories.

And since when have I wasted time and effort on you as a friend?
It was only during that short span of time that I actually invested anything in you.
Almost everything, actually, you faggot.
And for that large investment, what returns have you given me?
Practically 0. Zero.
Perhaps some fleeting happiness,
but even then, it wasn't much.
My own imaginary friends can give me as much.
But I was hoping that with time,
this investment would mature and bloom.
Did it?

And in any case.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY BLOODY NEW FRIENDS.
If you have never noticed,
I'm NOT the sociable type.
And with this kind of memory still fresh in my mind,
Do you think I would WANT to make any bloody friends?
I'd be happier burying myself in online nonsense - troll websites, facebook, manga, games, and whatnot.
Work has also been one of my best distractions.
But I really can't imagine myself saying, 'Hi, I'm Berenice, whats your name?' with a genuine intent for friendship.
No.

And what 'youth' have I to talk about?
You were my youth.
That's it.
I'm 20 now,
I'm old.
Everything I have wanted to try in my 'youth', I have already done so.
It hasn't been a perfect 'youth'.
Far from ideal, in fact.
Quite screwed up, actually.
But most of it was what I wanted to try out,
so I don't really have any complaints.

Except for the human factor.
Perhaps the human factor was something that I thought I could manage,
but it is unpredictable.
Highly variable.
And ultimately, it slipped out of my grasp.
Computers and games are all pre-programmed.
They may grow and mature,
but they will never develop an intellect.
They will never try to manipulate your emotions.
They will never betray your effort.
And I was complacent,
imagining that everything in this real world be just as simple.
What a fool I was!

Okay, fine.
I'm done with this rant.
I need to go and work.
At least I get some returns in the form of money.
Unlike relationships where you invest all and lose all.
It's a bitter experience, I felt cheated, scammed.
But that only happens to stupid people who let themselves be taken advantage of, right?
So yeah.
I was stupid.
I won't be stupid again.
I will live my life the way I want to,
and I won't give a shit about you any more than I'll give to the next person.

if you read my blog, please comment. i'm curious to know who you are and what you feel after reading this pile of crappy non-literature.


too bloody emo today.
cried in yoga.
damn paiseh.
lost my germanium bracelet.
and i have no idea where i even lost it.
damn sad.
i loved it so much.
dammit.
felt so bloody humiliated in yoga.
then while i was crying,
suddenly x popped into my head.
cried even more.
lol.
its funny in text.
its always funny in text.
l' har-har.
was sniffling and making squeaky gasping/choking sounds
cause i was trying to suppress my crying
by muffling myself with my sweat towel.
i know its gross, but i didn't really see any other option, haha.

wonder what all the other yoga students felt.
were they like 'OMG she's really pushing herself!'
or like
'She must be really lousy to be crying over such an easy stance..'
or
'LOL NUBZ.'
or
'dammit just stop crying already.'
frankly, i felt like walking out of that class
cause of 1. pride, and 2. pain.
but somehow, i managed to endure the whole thing.
i think my teacher extended the savasana so i could stop crying.
haha.
paiseh.

its really eating into me, that 'nope'.
if only you could explain it.
'nope' meaning 'no'
or 'nope' actually meaning 'never'
or 'nope' meaning 'not now, maybe next time'
or 'nope' meaning 'my female friend took my phone and is being a bitch'
or what.
OR WHAT!

bloody.
dammit.
any answer is better than none, y'know.

what just happened?
huh?
whaaat?
what does it even mean?
for now or for ever?

WHAT??

tsky!

its too bad i like to post my negative stuff here,
but thats cause i can't express it anywhere else.
and if i don't have an outlet for it,
it'll eat me inside out.
so here is another emo post.
so much for saying that this is now a happy blog.
haha..

Who am i to you?
Where do we stand?
Are you my ______?

Please come and save the day.
Say I'm the one you love and it's all a big mistake.
And I don't want to play the fool.
I've been giving up alot of me
for you.

Are my eyes deceiving me?
Is there a possibility?
Is it true what they're saying?
I won't believe them.

Who am I to you?
Did I ever mean a thing?

Just watched Juno with da jie.
Was like,
'That doesn't happen in real life!'
Also thought about stuff.
Sweet story.
The girl is really pretty,
though I don't really like the way she talks.
Orange Tic-Tacs.
I like them too!
They taste way better than the white ones.

Age: 20 years
Height: 158cm
Weight: 48.2kg

Body Fat: 24.7% (mildly overfat. Should be 17-24%)
Total Body Water: 55.1% (Ok. Ideal 45-60%)
Visceral Fat: 2 (tsk i thought i was 1)
Muscle Mass: 34.3kg
Physique Rating: 4 - Under Exercise (What can i say, i just started yoga)
Bone Mass: 2kg (Good, ideally 1.95kg)
Kcal: 1130 (a bit low.. I should try to improve nutrient absorption? Or something?)
BMR: 17 years

Overall I think its quite good! Although i have no idea with my Kcal reading. Does that indicate metabolism or what..? Hopefully with exercise i can get my fat levels down. Hee.

you play my heartstrings like a guitar.
i don't know if i should just give up.
it goes on and on and
i keep feeling inferior -
second fiddle.
do you even care.
or was it all just a game.
something to while the time away with,
then to be cast aside once your boredom is
sated.
sigh.
you were the soundtrack of my summer.

Just went to do for fun today, since its the start of the weekend and i don't have anything to rush out. :) All taken with a pinch of salt, ok!

Here is the analysis:

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

You value your friendships: 35%

You value your friendships quite a lot but you don't like to show your feelings to others. You would rather keep your feelings to yourself than share them with your friends. You might get a pleasant surprise if you are more open about caring for people - they will probably let you know that you're special to them, too.
oops this seems quite bad :p

ok enough. haha.

just went to read the other choir member's blogs.
just realised what a sub-par life i'm living.
just found out how hard everyone else is working.
just got slightly (ok quite) disgusted with with my laissez-faire lifestyle.
time to buck up.

this is quite early but i suddenly thought of stuff i wanted but never really got.
and some are also things i need.

external hard drive (1TB? 2TB? 3TB? x3)
hair curlers + lotion and relevant stuff
grado SR60 headphones
more little bitty blings of various sizes from Arab St
the heating tweezer thing for sticking blings. saw it somewhere once before..
lasik for my eyes. though i don't know if i might spoil them again.
iPhone or Android with relevant phone plan
a pet mammal. preferably dog. but i don't mind dolphins either. no cats.
money.
some exercise course/membership. then i finally am forced to exercise in a pleasant way.
adobe photoshop and flash (the maker not plugin). i don't need the whole package.
wacom tablet
holiday with 1 or 2 loved ones. (haha you can guess who its fairly obvious)

thats all for now.

its been so long since i last posted here.
life has been rough.
but it goes on
nonetheless.

facing some trouble recently.
vanilla saves my soul.
thank God i found a solution.

its time to bide.

i'm so sad and disappointed at so many things in my life right now.
my shitty grades - average of C;
first it was clinical
then org psych.
sigh.

Then Leong Hwee.

And all my family conflict.
Why does mom have to take offense at everything, and hurt people back so much?
Now my phase is over, she's teaming with da jie to persecute dad.
da jie has a valid reason - she does not.
she's just riding on the negativity to lash out at dad.
why.
why.

No one wants to talk to me now.
Not in school,
not at home.
I can't even sms Jason.

And i'm crying now.
like haha.
crying at a computer.
thank god the com lab is empty.

should it be hurting so much to be good?
should it be hurting so much to do the right thing?

i was so desperate to have a conversation yesterday
i even bitched about meng yee to leong hwee
just so that he would talk to me.
but it was wrong.
and i was stupid.

i really want to have someone i can lean on now.
someone i can hug
and cry with
and seek comfort.
I know its supposed to be God

but i wish there would just be a person i can confide in.
charis? perhaps i should.
but i need to study too.
and do the presentation.
sigh.

life.
so depressing.

i have this habit
of shoving things under the mat,
figuratively.
hiding behind figures of authority,
wearing different masks in front of different people.
So that i could cope
with the many situations life threw at me.
i thought
that was the way to deal with pain and hurt.
hide it.
mask it.
pretend it did not exist.
no one wanted to know about it anyway.

but recently in sociology, i learnt
the masks you wear
eventually become the you that you are.
i have been wearing so many masks
i thought i could never discard them all.
that life would be a journey of deception,
switching from mask to mask,
never showing my true self.

then i met Jason,
and felt that i could finally discard those masks
and be myself.
i could love
and be loved in return.
i could shed my pride for him,
and not be hurt in return.
i could be myself
without any external evaluation or judgement.

then everything happened.

and now Awaken.
it is true.
i have awakened to the harsh reality.
even if i want to love them
they still hurt me.
it makes it so hard for me.
to hear them say those cutting words so easily.
whats worse is their casual comments
that reflect their changed opinion of me.
the small actions
that show how they don't trust me anymore.
and how do i react in return?
i foolishly hurt them back.
in that moment,
i couldn't think.
i was just so hurt.
and you weren't even sorry.
you were like,
'that's life, suck it up.'
how can i love you like that?
i don't know how to face you all anymore.
i don't know how to face God anymore.
i know he loves me.
infinitely.
but i keep letting him down.
again and again.
i can control myself when i try hard.
and i have been trying.
and i have been controlling myself physically.
but what of emotions?

what of external factors that i can't control?
its not that i want to control them.
but its just so unrelenting.
hurt people hurt people.
you get it?
people who are hurt, hurt others in return.
i'm hurting,
hurting so much.
and just as awakened healed me,
and just as i stepped out of the retreat
apprehensive, but willing to give it a try,
you cut me down.
pa-bow! bam! cr-ash!

and everything reverts back to how it was before.
you probably didn't even realise what you did.
even if i told you,
you'd just laugh it off,
like what you did.
hurting me
again
and
again.

I know humans are fallible creatures.
i know i'm fallible.
thats why i'm trying so hard.
perhaps not hard enough.
but why aren't you trying either?
why?
do you think your hurtful actions are justified?
i know you do.
just as you think your actions for kor were justified,
you think your actions for me are justified too.
i'm not talking about the lectures, or scolding.
i'm talking about the after-effects.
the way you treat me like a pariah.
the metaphysical killing of my soul.
so slowly, so deliberate.
so unaware.

In the end it all boils down to God.
It sounds like a hasty conclusion,
but it isn't.
With our human limitations,
we can't end the cycle of hurt.
I hurt you, you hurt me, we're a bleeding family.
Its not funny.
I'm so tired of it all.
I was so tired i gave it all up to God.
And he granted me rest.
Rest in the Spirit.
I had never rested that well in such a long, long while.
I was completely at peace.
But now i've fallen again.

Life is about the struggle, isn't it.
Until the day we enter the heavenly kingdom,
these struggles won't end.

And so i lift them up to you, Lord.
I know that alone, i'm weak.
I try, and fail. And try again.
And thats why cynics always win.
Cause bad things will happen to everyone.
If you keep saying that people will fall,
people will fail;
its true. They do.
But you don't need to rub the salt in.
Instead,
help them up.
Guide them along.
Don't make this journey harder than it already is.

Thats why God is so necessary.
Only God can give us the grace to be nice to others when they hurt us.
Give us love to forgive; not just others, but ourselves too, when our hearts are full of bitterness and self-hatred.
Give us the strength to bite back the hurtful word and offer it up as a sacrifice.
Give us the courage to do the right thing when the world screams otherwise.
Give us the fortitude to keep striving to do good,
so that even if we stumble and fall along the way,
we know that we once had the capacity to be good,
and so not give up, but instead pick our battered bodies up,
reach out and hold on to your loving hand,
and continue on this journey
until we reach your heavenly kingdom,
Amen.

and thus i sadly turn over to a new page.

sweet dreams are made of this.
some things are just not meant to be.
who am i to disagree?
if i travel the world and the seven seas
and find a better man
i might be compelled to try
after all
everybody's looking for something
that elusive
'something'
that i thought i found in you.
but my heart will always be yours.
i'll wait these 4 years.
i'll wait for you to man up
and sober down.
if your heart strays,
i won't blame you
but i will be disappointed
saddened beyond belief.
but i will move on,
just as i now have to move on too.

but i believe that people can change.
after all,
change is the only constant in life.
the only difference is this:
to change for the better
or for the worse.
逆水行舟
不进则退
I will strive to improve myself.
i know i'm flawed.
probably more than you, actually.
but i will improve myself.
i'll struggle upstream.
i'll be waiting at that bank round the corner
4 years down the road.

please don't slip downstream.
its so easy to just let go of it all
and give in to the undercurrent.
but the gate to heaven is narrow
and the wide and easy gate leads to destruction.
we were treading a thin line to a doomed fate.
thats why
we both need to grow and mature.
you and i both.

i might say you are not worthy of my love.
but i too, am unworthy.
so let me polish up myself.
file away the rough edges.
to make myself honorable and presentable
to the Lord at the altar,
when we make the sacred vows.
to have nothing to hide,
nothing to regret.
to only have room for joy and love
and not sin.

I don't think this chapter has closed entirely.
it is like a prelude.
a lead-in to the better chapter.
The chapter 2.1
with the 2.2 in line.

4 years is a long time to write a chapter.
but i believe it will be a rich chapter,
bursting with goodness
satisfying the reader.
I will work on my half of the chapter,
please work on yours too!

There was a young man who said, "God
Must think it exceedingly odd;
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no one about in the Quad. 
- Ronald Knox

Reply. 
"Dear Sir: Your astonishment's odd:
I am always about in the Quad.
And that's why the tree 
Will continue to be
Since observed by
- Yours faithfully,
- God."
- Anon

Jason and I
^^

so many things to say,
so many feelings to express.
so many experiences to share,
so many dates to commemorate.

I'm looking forward to our future.

i asked,
and he said 'yes, but
just as a friend.'
so that clears the air for me.
i can move on now.

its like those novels.
the first chapter is always the longest,
filled with all those background information
that is so necessary,
yet it is not what makes the story.

it was necessary -
i needed to conjure someone to love.
but that didn't satisfy me.

so now that you've disappeared, Mr. Debonair,
(you were just a figment of my imagination, anyway.
a product of my romantic fantasies that i didn't want to let go of.)
i can move on with my life.

of course i still like ___.
probably more than many other people.
but we'll just keep it platonic.

life goes on
for the better.
^^

my love for ___ seems more and more
illogical.
he doesn't seem to love me.
'so random', am i?
sigh.
perhaps we just don't have that level of connection
i'll wait,
i'll try.

but if nothing happens,
i won't cry.

I still love your voice,
but i don't think i love you the same way anymore,
Mr. Debonair.

I haven't really posted this, cause technically its not over yet.
But i think it will end soon.
can feel myself getting better.
voice seems kinda softer.

lets start from the start.
i might not finish it at one go,
but it'll be complete by the end of April,
April 29.

Missed Monday-Wednesday of lessons.
Mar 28-30.
Was hoping for a full week off.
guess luck like that doesn't happen.

in a way, thank goodness it wasn't a week.
the admin stuff was making me nervous.
attendance warning for the month.
OMG!
I don't want any marks on this school's record of me.

I didn't care much for Cedar coz i was stupid,
and in CJC i cared too much for my record and too little for my books,
so now i want to get the balance right.
can't screw this up.
its my last chance, dammit!

Anyway it started in the morning.
Around 6am, the usual.
Woke up with a pressure on my chest,
thought it'd go away.
I even dressed for school and packed my bag and did the works.
But it got significantly sharper.
So I decided to stay at home,
and go to the polyclinic later.
Mom told me to go straight away.
It was like 6.45am.
The registration time was like what - 7.45 or something?
Da Jie and I had a good laugh.

And yes, talking about the laughs.
I have no idea why, but
everytime i'm majorly i'll
i'm always in a super good mood.
pretty high, actually.
The fever last time,
occasionally those dying cramps.
Its funny how i'm so funny sometimes.

The downside to that was:
every time i laughed,
it would activate that stabbing pain right under my right shoulderblade.
But i felt it wasn't a big deal.
So laugh i did.

Then da jie and I went to the polyclinic around 8 or so.
Took bus to central, then walked down.
I started to adapt and take shallower breaths,
but the pain got worse,
until an even sharper piercing pain developed in my right shoulder.
I was also getting quite breathless.
When we reached the polyclinic, it was a waiting game.
no surprise there.
anticipating the wait, da jie and i walked around the pharmacy.

we were joking that if we exacerbated the symptoms,
it would be easier for the doctor to diagnose me.
and yeah,
i got more breathless.
eventually we went to sit at the waiting area,
i was almost done with Les Miserables when it was my turn.
We got a chit, and were directed to wait for a doctor to attend to us.

The waiting here was torture.
It was sooooo long.
Around 2 hours, i suppose.
I finished Les Miserables, and cried like a wuss
when XXX died.
OMG.
Mega spoiler. But ahhhhh
I was crying like a baby.
It was a very VERY good book.

Then after a while,
the nursing home people started to filter in.
They were quite amusing to watch
most of them had identity issues.
Stuck in the past,
a few were probably autistic.
If i had completed my BA Psych,
I would probably know what was wrong with them.

then we (da jie and i) took turns drinking water from the dispenser
with the little conical paper cups.
And i went to the toilet.
Clean. Good.
Then eventually a doctor which wasn't assigned to us called our number.
Most exciting event of that morning thus far.

He checked my breathing and stuff,
and sent me for an X-ray.
First of the many.
I had to go down to the X-ray lab area,
and another round of waiting.
I signed a form saying that i wasn't pregnant,
and signed it again later.
A lady commented
"Even if you are only 10 years old,
they would still make you sign it
cause you're a girl."
LOL.
but then again, true.
Its the protocol thing that SG loves to do.
Like how the Nazis committed genocide cause it was just protocol to them.
Oh well.
Its not like they're bad people at heart.
Its just Hitler.
But i'm veering off the point.

So I took the standing chest X-ray.
I think it was the best one i took.
posed well.
I was surprised it was so fast.
and i could feel the pressure on me when the ray zapped me.
and the slight tingly after-effect feeling.
pretty cool.

Oh yes, i had to change into the gown top.
take off my shirt and bra.
haha.

Then once that was done,
I changed back,
and we were sent back to wait for the doctor to attend to us
AGAIN.
haha.
we were both getting thoroughly sick of that place

then suddenly the doctor poked his head out and anxiously called my name wrongly.
(that was after a good while of waiting.
we were nearly bored to death.
I wonder if that actually happens.
Anyway.)
I was so excited, I jumped up
and dragged Da Jie into the room.
YAY FOR ILLNESS!
on me, at least. not on others.
He reviewed the X-ray,
and concluded i was a pneumothorax!!

Da Jie and I were totally shocked.

The running joke between us earlier was that
"Imagine if you got a pneumothorax from
doing SITUPS and PLANK.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

The joke now was that i REALLY got it.
O_O!
Da jie in her worry asked redundant/irrelevant questions to the doctor
who in his shocked state replied seriously.
In hindsight it was actually quite funny too.
I also stupidly asked if I could stay at home,
wondering if it would go away on its own.
(It would have, but at a much much slower rate,
and maybe with added complications.
So yes, it was a stupid question.)

So i was given a reccomendation to go to TTSH A&E,
and was ordered to receive treatment within the day.
The irony of it all was that there were queues of people outside who looked genuinely sick, but i was the one with the A&E referral, and i was still healthy enough to be walking around and kidding and making bad jokes. I even could pay for my Polyclinic visit and correct the clerk when she said 'Remember to go for your appointment, ah'; and smartly reply (with Da Jie, as usual) 'There's no appointment, its A&E - today.'
Its not exact, but the effect was there.
It was quite amazing,
if i say so myself.
Then we started wondering:
A&E now or later?
cab or train?

In the end we decided to take bus back,
but my breathlessness was worse,
but i played it down,
so Da Jie cooked minced meat soba for lunch.
I just took soup, cause i wasn't hungry.
But i did have a few strands of soba.
Then somewhere along the way,
Dajie had a brainwave,
and decided to call Jason to fetch us.
I was quite guilty, actually.
Bothering other people with my illness...
but dajie wanted to do it,
so what could i say?

Jason thought it was a genuine A&E case
and panicked, i think.
but when he came over,
we were like slacking around and stuff.
oh yes.

we thought i would get warded,
so we decided to pack for a holiday.
in the end it was just minor surgery,
observation,
and send home.
no warding at all.
how disappointing.
but they were short of beds,
and i seemed happy enough.
so what the heck..
haha.
send the sick patient home.

So after all was eaten and cleared and packed for the journey,
(this sounds like The Hobbit)
we took Jason's car, with Ignatius too!
He dropped Ignatius home,
and dropped us at the A&E bay at TTSH,
and went off.
nice guy.
I felt so guilty.
did i mention that earlier?
i think i did.


i'll continue this another time.
its not like i'll be forgetting it so quickly, anyway.

Dear Mr. Debonair,

If you do not steal my heart now,
I am afraid
that another may steal mine from me.
I have been waiting for you,
but it seems that you will never take any action.

Is my waiting in vain?
This inner turmoil for nought?
Am I deceived in my love for you?

Perhaps I may not seem genteel enough for you.
Perhaps you have caught me in a moment of embarrassment.
Perhaps I have been changed in your eyes.
To that of a lower status.

"Too crass.
Crude.
Unrefined.
Obtuse.
Asinine."

Is that what you think of me?

But still.
My heart beats for you.
Your name makes me warm.
Your voice gives me thrills of delight.

Yet you pass by unaware.
Be aware!
Be aware of this hold you have over me.
For I am choking in your invisible grasp.

And now others have come,
and loosened your grip.
That I may step out of the palm of your hand.

But still, it happens unwillingly.
Like the wind that tugs on the autumn leaf,
not wishing to be parted from its life-giving branch,
so do I not want to part with my love for you.

But oh, you are making it so difficult for me!

I wish not for the day to come
when I no longer hold any more feelings for you,
other than platonic love.


Yours truly,

stop doing that.
don't you know you're killing me inside?
just because i don't get angry
doesn't mean that i'm not getting hurt.
just because i don't burst out
doesn't mean that you can keep on saying those spiteful words.
don't you know that as your child
i can't just simply brush off your words?
it stays inside,
lingering,
hurting,
and you still dare to say that i'm the one hurting you.

oh mom,
you really don't know what you're doing to me sometimes.

had terrible sorethroat
which developed into flu
then sneezing fits
then fever
not forgetting the really runny runny nose
and phlegm
then cough
then pimples

now its mostly okay

except for the cough
it feels like theres a lump in my throat
i can't swallow saliva properly
there is a nagging pain all the time
when i rub the skin on my throat it hurts too
when i cough, i have the impression
i'm tearing something in my throat.

on a slightly positive note,
my phlegm has cleared
somewhat
^^

gosh i wish my throat would heal.
gonna sleep early.
after my essay.
no msn.
too distracting.

This weekend was really hectic,
albeit one of the most fun weekends i've had
in Singapore.

Thursday.
(though its not the weekend)
Leong Hwee's presentation
Spent time at adoration room
Intercessory prayers
Chitchat with Rena, Jason and Daryl^^afterward until late.

Friday.
School - NTR
Outing - wine & cointreau & bottles shopping
Made Peach Syrup
Mass & Stations of the Cross
Meeting afterwards for lenten programme

Saturday.
Created skeleton for lent programme
Made Sunday's event
Dawn's birthday!!! <3
got really high.
was quite scared..

made quite a few cocktails.
drank quite a few too.
4-5?
cosmo
hairy navel
peach something
random something
Leong Hwee's milo mix -_-
came home late

Sunday.
Church, lent programme. Success!
Played frisbee. ^^
Went to popo's place.
Missed my Brit Council thing.
hopefully they'll just mail it to me.

really really tired now.

i think i won't be able to walk tomorrow.
the alcohol made me super resonant.
i was so head-voicey today! <3
but i can't drink too much.
liver probs.
egh.

oh wells, its lent after all.
and i SHOULD take care of my body.
gnitey!

thinking of ___ makes me so happy.

i'm such a slimy person.
metaphorically,
physically.
ugh.

eating at macs gave me a stomachache
as usual.
whats surprising anymore?

now i'm over with it,
i should make firm my resolution
and have a fulfilling lent.

i'm getting fat.
27.5% fat.
sigh.
creeping into the mildly obese range.
perhaps i should include exercise as a form of lenten sacrifice?

will be doing planning with leonard later.
i'll just bear in mind all that i've read.
the warden's booklet,
leonard's magnificat booklet,
Daryl's suggestions,
1. normal reflection session
2. music reflection session
3. lenten resolution project.
hurm ^^
sometimes he makes me so happy.
its so easy to talk,
so hard to do.
so hard to follow God
so easy to forget our dues.

random kinky thoughts that i can't say on facebook.
i think blogger is more permanent than fb.
too bad this doesn't apply to ___. haha.

on a side note, i'm getting really fat.
gah.
time for more exercises.
i've been getting lazy since school started.

Da jie's 21 today.
Had a huuuuge turnout for her birthday party.
I initially was peeved at aunty Sandra &family.
Eventually realised its dad's cockup
so nvm.
but still...
hais.

STAC folks are the best company.
haha.
Clement and the Lee guys were really obliging too.
the teble leg bending was so funny.
though i did expect it to happen.

Helium breathing was fun
though i felt bad that Da Jie was kinda
forcing Daryl to breathe it so much.
i mean
she knew what its like to be breathless
and she's still doing that kinda stuff..
sigh.
in the personality, i guess.
i hope the poor guy's okay.

Teaching MeiRui was fun as usual.
She's leaving this friday.
I'm somehow kinda hoping we'll keep in touch.
haha.

I'll have to take over Winowa soon.
hmm.

Let's think about that later.

Exam week, starting tomorrow.
And i haven't touched my books this weekend.
why am i even blogging???
ah shit.

i was so dead tired.
but once i started writing
the stuff keeps on unravelling like a loose thread.
now i'm not that sleepy anymore.
i'll read a bit more and sleep then, i suppose.
i'm feeling really really unprepared
for Philo.
shit.
shit.
i'll read it tomorrow.

Classification essay outline also due tomorrow.
i'll do it in the com lab.

Psy research.
reading now.
i'll revise more tomorrow on the bus.
check out my textbook too.

woaw woaw.
info overload.
i'll process it slowly.

psy's about done.
Philo tomorrow.
I'll do abit of outline now.
when i'm tired enough i'll go sleep.
nights.

Passed pretty uneventfully
Went for a so called
'group-date'
with classmates
who otherwise had no dates
for a V-day movie
No Strings Attached

Reminded me of a piece of online fiction
i used to read
its that mainstream

it was funny, and interesting though
i liked the characters,
though they were cliche

had to run home after the movie
collect materials from jason
who was late
and also cause
belicia called and told me mom was
worried and angry and bla bla

turns out she wasn't really.

oh well.
she was talking to PJ about his marriage.

hehe

marriage, yes

and so she got caught up and didn't really care about me
until i reminded her

but it turned out pretty okay.

So i suppose Valentines was pretty okay, too.
the ticket cost $8.50 though
ex. <_>
but i guess thats the price to pay
for v-day


oh yes
cookie reception was pretty poor.
they said it was too sweet
when it wasn't
i think they are just
unaccustomed to the smell of roses

faggots.

haha jkjk.
but i like the smell of roses.
i can't imagine how they don't like it.

feh.
quite disappointed.
the crunchy sugar bits don't even taste that sweet.
icing sugar would taste sweeter.
coke tastes SOOOOO much sweeter.
so how can it be considered too sweet??
ok i'll end it here.
don't want to get emo.

sigh.

Hello, Mr Debonair.
you look at me
you do not care.

I have been waiting,
I will wait.
I hope you will soon
take my bait.

I won't approach
for I don't dare.

But then again

Do you care?

fear
that i have soured a relationship i do not wish to sour...
fear
that elusively, it will slip out of my grasp...
fear
that my dream is on the verge of shattering...

Angel, oh, speak!
What endless longings echo in this whisper...

thats a modification of Sheldon's line, btw.
i know its not gravity
but imo, life's worse.

i'm getting pulled around by factors in my life
on one hand i would love to do this
on the other hand, people rationalise and tell me not to
and since i have always been known as a rational person
i have to heed the rational advice
which may not be what i want.

left
right
left
right

i'm running like a mad dog in circles.

back
forth
back
forth

heart vs mind
its a cruel battle.
money and time
make me a sorrier person than i should be




if only i had the leisure to do what i want

Chicago(2002) owns. hands down.

Burlesque tries to be sexy,
but keeps flipping back to daily life scenes
and in the end,
they even try to teach us about
love.
wow? seriously? from a burlesque movie?
kid me not, man.
so whats it actually about?
the plot is so spasmodic,
even I, a person who doesn't give shit about plot
finds it queer.
and this is one of the rare few movies
that didn't make me shed any tears.
considering its supposed to be a
love(???) story,
thats really terrible.
and w.r.t. Ivan's comment that 'its okay, its PG '
yeah its really PG.
i didn't get warm or well,
excited at much.
in fact, it was more like gymnastics
in skimpy clothing,
with chairs.
(the only part that had me drawn into the movie was when
she was falling for the wrong guy
and there was some conflict and resolution going on)

on the plus side,
the actors and actresses were really good, imo
the club owner, the gay guy, the bartender, the bitchy girl, even the doorman
all played their roles really well.
however, the lead girl, imo kinda failed.
cause she has the rocker voice,
and the scene is a sexy, striptease kinda club.
so it should be more the
buttery, meltingly-honeyed,
sexy and seductive, mesmerising
kind of voice.
also, she had to perform
so many different roles,
from the girl without a mother (which wasn't elaborated on)
to the hardworking country girl (which i felt she did best)
to the sexy dancer (which was very abrupt)
to the lovelorn lass (which was okay, i suppose)
that while her character had breadth,
it was too shallowly developed on.

oh yes, this brings me to the aspect of music.
THEY USED POP MUSIC?!
wth thats just wrong.
its like spreading ketchup and jam on the same piece of bread.
ugh!
burlesque is not NOT NOTT suitable with pop/rock.
they were like clubbing on the stage, when she did her rock act.
what? thats not burlesque!
but they could only do that cause the music was in that direction.
its like
what else can you dance to pop/rock except
clubbing moves?
so epic fail.

so to get rid of this bad aftertaste,
i'll now be going back to watch Chicago
again, with
all that jazz :)

its late, but i got my braces off yesterday
also collected my student card at SIM
somehow ~ met up with me to go collect it
and i ended up waiting 1/2 an hour for him to arrive
spent it touring the campus
SIM seems small but cozy
i like the place

eating kor's left over onion soup boiled with egg and macaroni for lunch
is giving me weird stomach gurgles
=_=; ugh

in any case,
i hope ~ doesn't like me
cause i already like _____

orientation was good, but boring.
my orientation pals were decent and nice
my 2 OGLs were fantastic
i felt the water games and balloon games were the best
the waka waka dance was awesome, too.
i'll keep my heart for you

The Lion King
and
Tarzan

my goodness,
it sure brings back memories.
especially
The Lion King for me

aah~

(romance, romance, romance...)

those soundtracks, especially.
<3

You'll be in my heart
Can you feel the love tonight
Circle of life
&etc.

my goodness
all those warm
fuzzy
feelings.
~~

sometimes,
when i think about myself,
i feel that i'm such a despicable person.
i pretend to be someone on the outside
while i'm actually
different
i've hidden so many things
even from my family
even from 大姐

it makes me wonder if i'm unworthy after all.

smsed MeiRui and Angel's mom today
'when should i start?'
got the same response:
'i'll let you know'

YES.

my life is mine again.

<3

20-12-2010 11:50pm

^^

i'm really starting to love the choir.
can't say i didn't love it before,
but now i'm getting attached to people.
As individuals.
i've never liked personal attachment -
it makes the leaving all the harder to deal with -
but somehow, just because i was
bored, curious
and wanted to spend my holidays with decent company,
these roots
took...
root.
aah.
agh.
is this called growing?
this knowledge that you are now part of someone else's life and vice versa
this responsibility over that small amount of authority you now wield in that other person
it makes me happy yet...
nervous?
anxious?
worried?

Today's kareoke was a deja vu i distinctly remembered.
the seating positions, the seats themselves
and the checkered diamonds which changed their fluorescent colours.
but it was in a really old dream.
I don't know why but it clicked together in my head.
Primary school?
Man,
life sure is full of surprises.

And i think i'm getting sick of love songs.
romantic movies, comedies, drama,
the lot of em.
Everytime i see couples,
i wish i were in a relationship too.
its the paradox,
the self-defeating argument of enduring, you know.
like internet and porn (but thats different, too)
its like: 'I want ____! I want to be ____'s!'
But i can't just simply saunter up and say it.
Heh.
life's not so easy.
i wish someone would push us together or something.
catalyst it.
cause i won't have (don't have) the guts to do it.
and i'm too afraid to deal with the reponsibility of something so huge.
someone.
actually, no.
i have thought of various situations, scenarios that might happen
and planned reactions.
which is queer. scary. freaky. stalker-ish.
but thats part of falling in love, innit?
i'm so hopelessly sucked in by this undercurrent,
i think the only way out
is to just plunge in
and let it sweep you away.
which is why all those romance-themed stuff isn't helping.
its like trying to walk through a wall.
the urge to walk being
me, my hormones and all that external stimuli (media);
and the wall being
a bigger, more world conscious me.
Feh.
Life's unfair.

Its now 12:17, 31st Dec 2010.
Last day of the year.
Should i grab this opportunity,
or is it just a
drowning man's desperate grab at straws?
Haha.
____.
Reciprocate, please!
囧

s/n: when i see hot/cute girls/guys i start to feel horny.
ss/n: additionally, when i think of ____ i have the same reaction lols.

Huu~
Gnite all! Spend the last day of your year fruitfully! <3

this week has been a good week.
a really really good week.

25th - Midnight mass, STAC, Choongs
26th - Lees, Boxing Day
27th - STAC wedding dinner ;D
28th - STAC prac, lunch &etc.
29th - break, avatar (airbender), big bang theory
(tmr!) 30th - STAC picnic &etc.
31th - STAC event, new years countdown
1st - New Years Day

So many opportunities xD Great company

s/n: big bang theory is awesome. leonard, sheldon, raj, pervy guy, and penny. awesome.

on a side note,
i got my period today,
so that explains the insomnia.

can't say i didn't like it, though.

http://fulllyricseng.wordpress.com/2009/10/24/shinee-jo-jo-lyric/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N03fmXx81RQ

Hm i'm such a romantic.
Its been over a year now.
Can i still call this a crush?
Sometimes i do silly things in a
desperate attempt to impress
and
fail miserably.
ahaha.

shucks man.
i should stop being lame.

Should I
or should i not
try to fight on?

As i quote Macbeth:
"Nothing is
but what is not"

You know it when you sin, and
you know it when you've used another person to sin.
As an excuse to sin.
A pathetic, foolish way of trying to justify your sin.

It always starts with
'I want to try it'
and the thought over time
consumes your mind,
repeating itself like the shrilling of the evening cicadas
drilling into your very being
until it becomes
'I must try it'

But you know you shouldn't.

So you tell yourself:
I will endure it,
I will not sin.

But with all endurance games,
you know there is a limit to your endurance.
Like an addict with the needle poised above the vein
it is only time, until it plunges in.
Telling yourself to endure is just a lie.

Its just a cheap way to heighten the pleasure when you do it.
For that fleeting moment of thrill and sensation,
You step back into that dark world
which tells you 'its okay,
everyone does it anyway'
And you seek comfort in its lies
knowing full well that it is, in its entirety
just a lie
to trick the foolish

But,
foolish me.
i fall again and again.
And to use the one i love as a shield now,
an excuse, a reason to sin...
how much lower can i degrade myself?

i just realised how little i actually dream.
my dreams (whatever little i dream of) are small,
negligible,
and have pretty much no long-term impact
(except maybe to create regret.)

dammit.
why.

why can't i think greater,
dream greater,
be greater.

made a new password for my TrueCrypt file and forgot it
ended up deleting my whole collection of videos, music and manga

life goes on.

TY: Good morning everyone. Today, we are going to tell you more about our restaurant, BiteABit. The aim of this presentation is to set up our own fast food outlet which will be serving all kinds of finger food that is Brazillian, Singaporean or a fusion of both.

J: the target age group we planned for are teenagers families and hungry office workers. why did we choose this? we chose this because we felt that these age groups will be the ones who will be willing to spend more and thus increasing our revenue.

S: the ambience we would like to have will be a hip and cool place for teenagers to hang out at but also family friendly so as to not make it so awkward.

B:the location we decided on is: Central. why? because it is central, as in it is near the heart of Singapore and is easily accessible to all. you can take the public bus or the MRT. if it is convenient, u may even take the shuttle buses provided. if u really cant seem to get to Central you may just opt for a taxi ride yea? it is also near the CBD central business district so we hope to catch the office workers crowd.

E: the operating hours on weekdays are from 11am to 10pm and on weekends 10.30am to 9.30pm. we have divided the time slots into two so as to ensure the health and well-being of our staff.

J:this is our table setting. we provide the cup with a lid so as to encourage our customers to takeaway their unfinished drink to not waste it as we also try to promote recycling and going green in our restaurant scheme.

E:these are some of the recipes we have chosen: salt cod fritters, baked rather than deep fried. grilled sausages. and pastel frito. these are some other recipes we have considered.

TY: this is our menu card which is still undergoing some changes as there is room for improvement. its tentative.

B:these are some images that we would like to incorporate into our restaurant layout. we would like to have our restaurant seating like a bar top counter because we think that it will impress customers with our service and preparation skills. these are some brazilian bohemian-inspired pictures that we plan to put in our restaurant. we would put some rounded lounge chairs so as to make the customers feel cozier and allow more interaction to take place.

S: our job scope will be to hire 1-2 cleaners, 6 service staff, 3-4 kitchen staff. the salary will be 5.50 per h. pay will be increased through performance of staff.

B: work allocation. read from screen.

haha i know its lame but i'm in the mood today

was reading back on old posts.

realised that its been almost a year since _____ happened

16 months - 1 year and 4 months since we released Quan

1/2 a year since i got my JOY (and i've lost it already)

1 year since i got my headphones

2 months since YOG and less than a month since i played at Universal

2 years and 4 months since Mamby and Pamby flew

almost 3 years since we went to Japan

and i blogged about tonnes of crap. haha.

and i think i might have some sliver of an ability to write poetry. haha

okay okay thats enough for this double post. gotta cook lunch.
i'm so full of shit man.

Haven't blogged in quite a while, eh.

Life's been busy.
Not much time for pixelated interaction.

Actually, the main computer stuff i do these days
or rather, used to do
was Maple

cause of the Catch-the-Alien event
pretty fun
awesome levelling capability.

but now its over
so i'm kinda jaded.
nothing much to do in maple now.
just waiting for the next round of events.

belicia's dead ill
i don't know why she keeps dragging herself to school..
oh yeah - exams.
bloody education system

and she keeps lashing out at us
sometimes i feel like pouring a bottle of alkaline solution on her
too acidic.
just shutup and go sleep, dammit
and stop making demands.
at least
request

bleh

haven't touched facebook in a while

so while i thought my birthday was overlooked by many people
apparently,
everyone did their wishing on facebook
so i passed a gloomy birthday without any good reason.

social networking means so much these days, eh.

my life is getting sucked up by my tutees
my schedule is theirs to play with
my time isn't mine.
except for the mornings
and the late nights
(which i should actually spend sleeping
since teaching is a tiring activity.

be grateful to your teachers, dammit!)

yesterday i spent my evening reading
the literary analysis of
"Lolita"
yeah its always been sorta a fantasy of mine
to read the book
but the style kinda turns me off
so the analysis helped in simplifying it.

Maybe one day i'll actually get down to reading the book.

But i loved the whole idea of it.
Maybe i'm psychotic or something.

Oh well.
I'll be off to top up mom's @cash
since i bought stuff in maple using hers

Then i'll be cooking and washing.
Its a typical cycle these days:

Wake, eat, wash clothes*, computer, cook lunch, wash dishes, change, smidgen of computer,
travel off to lessons, lessons, more lessons, travel back home, dinner, shower, computer*, sleep

*If any


note: i'm still dreaming of romance. not the asleep type of dreaming. haha. childish whims.

have been wanting to listen to good music
so i went to download ghibli osts via torrent
the classics
Howls Moving Castle
Spirited Away
Princess Mononoke
then along the way
i somehow started to download the movies as well

Porco Rosso is fantastic
although some may call it old-school

Kikis Delivery Service is cute
more for the kids to teens age group
it was meaningful
but it didn't make me lean back and go
'Ah...'
at the end
although it had a couple of
tearjerking moments
i guess its cause i can empathize with her situation
kinda mirrors what i'm going through now

Porco was more epic
and all-rounded, i guess
it had elements of romance
especially the ending
which gave it a bittersweet feel
it also had the family moments with Porco and ___
and the start made me laugh so much
really a great show
superb character development too, imo

yeah okay thats it for now.

for future reference
www.89890.com (annoying music)
http://www.17kkmh.com/
http://dm.99manga.com/ (annoying ads)
99comic.com
http://www.imanhua.com/

kamisama hajimemashta
the world god only knows (reccomended)
Akuma ga Halleluya
ghost only
himegimi no tsukurikata
MC Law
Penguin Prince

shit onemangas being taken down.
noooooooooooooooooooo!!!
looks like i'll have to be heading over to 99comic.com
or some other chinese website soon...
crap...
i really loved onemanga.

fantastic movie.
right down my alley.
thats what all movies should be like.
gosh i already want to watch it again.
the ants are feasting on my movie snack crumbs.
now the next movie on my list is 'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels'.
Familiar name, innit?
but them again maybe not, cause i'm still enjoying The Italian Job.
loved all those cars and guns and all that running around.
the antagonist also did a great job getting me to hate him. heh.
loved the expression on his face at the end.
loved Skinny Pete. the thought of him still makes me snort with laughter.
there were quite a few bloody obvious factual and continuity mistakes, but for the fun of it all, and the great overall viewing experience, i'll overlook them. heh.
(one damn obvious one is the car damage, for example. i bet it was an advertising scheme for the Minis. though i have to admit they are ridiculously cute, zipping around town like that.)

heh.
all these thanks to PPStream.
Kinda forced me to buck up my chinese
(since its a proudly Made in PRC software)
but oh what the heck.
its a damn good piece of software.

managed to watch some FMA also.

and did i mention that Fullmetal Alchemist is pretty much the darned best manga ever? The movie sucks, relatively, with the lame utopia plot and shoddy ending. I'd much rather rewatch the anime series. (Which PPStream has, in its entirety, in high res and smooth bufferring. awesome stuff.) The manga is (finally) complete too. Very very worth reading. 100% recommended.

and thanks to that wheelman in The Italian Job (Handsome Rob?), with his damn sexy British accent, and his fantastic boat driving(?) skills, i'm suddenly in the mood to speak brit. And gosh i love that girls clothing. Stella. hot stuff. Stella+mini=roadrage haha. pretty, though. loved the 'ham and cheese' quote. heh.

you're living the dream I couldn't live
with joys I couldn't have
now all I have left
is envy
and
regret.

I also have quite a deal of bitterness but everyone thinks that's just childish.
it is, I'm not denying it.
but everyone should be given a chance to experience an array of emotions.
we're humans, not robots. see?

you're living the dream I couldn't live
with joys I couldn't have
now all I have left
is envy
and
regret.

I also have quite a deal of bitterness but everyone thinks that's just childish.
it is, I'm not denying it.
but everyone should be given a chance to experience an array of emotions.
we're humans, not robots. see?

after Angel decided to suspend her lessons
(i suspect she won't resume, but thats another matter,)
i've suddenly realised the amount of leisure time i have
in the mornings.

so being the foolish teenager that i am
(though not for long, unfortunately,)
i started to read manga.
again.
like crazy.
again.

yes. repeated cycles like how ex-druggies
are always tempted to go back to drugs.
just that mine doesn't directly harm my health
(except under certain circumstances)
so yeah. bad habits die hard.

some of the stuff i have read
i can't list here.
heh heh.
but the rest, i'll list, and i'll add to the list
on the misc page later.

also, Dr. Koto Shinryoujo is a great drama.
might as well list the couple of dramas i watched.

Dramas:
Nodame Cantabile (music, comedy, romance)
Nobuta wo Produce (school life, prejudices, romance)
Dr. Koto Shinryoujo (medicine, life, slight bit of romance)

Mangas:
Jyuki Ningen Jumbor (mecha, action)
WANTED (pirates, romance) [yes, pirates are my sucker category]
Absolute Boyfriend / Zettai Kareshi (romance, romance..)
Black Bird (supernatural, romance, action) [another sucker category xD]
Ushio and Tora (supernatural, action&adventure, comedy)
Baby, Please Kill Me (kids, comedy, action) [interesting format, and nowhere near as violent as the title suggests]

probably a few more, but i can't be bothered to dig up the titles.
read them if you're free! :D
(or watch them in the case of the dramas)

one month of accidental GPRS usage chalked up to $130 of payment.
shit man. thats a pretty damn huge chunk of my salary. arghhhhh. frk. dammit.
lesson = never on phone and wifi at the same time. use either phone, OR wifi.
always off one. thats mom's good advice. after $130. sahfkwwfsbsgkfl.

Tuition is so tiring.
but its also quite rewarding, in its own way.
watching Alicia grow from a 2/10 kid to a constant 10/10
is one of the best things that have ever happened in my life.
i think being able to witness Ashton learn to speak
is also a great blessing, too.

Hopefully I can work my
'magic'
with Mei Rui, Jia Nan and Angel.

the '' cause technically its not magic,
its just God playing his part,
working his ways with them.

I don't think i'm a genius teacher;
i just think i'm sincere, diligent (in the sense that i try to tailor lessons to each student), and not out for the money that the industry can demand ($12.5 instead of $15 or 18. $15 instead of $20 etc).
so God has space to work his 'magic'.

i spend so much of my time thinking about my students
and planning lessons to cater to their learning styles
i actually don't have that much time to indulge in stuff i usually do.

perhaps thats good.
it means i have found like a sort of a
focus
in life.

hurm.

today's cycling was also fun, though i didn't really cycle fast.
couldn't, actually.
proves my fitness levels, eh.
haha. embarrassing.
its nice to interact with people, anyway.

I was really surprised this morning
when I looked in the mirror
(already a rare occurrence)
and noticed that my 黑眼圈
had visibly diminished!

I knew that's what the product claimed
but I wasn't banking on it to really work.
it was more of a 'spend-my-first-pay-on-something-I-like-but-normally-won't-buy-coz-its-too-ex' kinda thing.
but it worked!
pretty amazing stuff.



on a side note I just dropped my phone off the table and it bounced on 2 of its corners and the back cover flew off (coz I took off the condom) and its still perfectly okay.
equally amazing in its own right.

after I got my little joy,
I started to listen to most of my music on my phone.
not forgetting to mention that my little Philips player had also suffered a fatal fall previously.
so now I have to use the cheap earbuds provided
cause they don't have the decency to provide a 3.5mm jack.
and now I'm suffering from a lack of bass.
they also auto emphasize the leads by a ridiculous degree.
I mean, if I was a mainstream pop listener
I would definitely appreciate it.
BUT
pop songs are the minority on my playlist.

SO.
I'M MISSING MY BASS
aah.

did I mention that I miss the bass beats in my music? Yes?
its okay, I'll say it again:
I'm quite definitely suffering bass deficiency.
I'll need to include more bass in my lifestyle or I'll start to exhibit curious side-effects. symptoms. whatever. you get my drift.
gosh I miss my headphones.
headphones headphones
BASS.
aah.

(>Φ_Φ<)~*°

its long overdue but I'll just make a few commemorative comments.
(and yes, I absolutely adore alliteration)
was really glad that pretty much everyone liked the chicks. it took freaking a lot of effort to make.
I was hoping that the faces would be cuter tho. with all the loose thread and stuff. was disappointed that the pampers became loose so quickly too. in the end I had to resort to glueing on the pampers to ensure that they would last.
dad requested that I make another batch for next year. mom told me to make a variation. size, colour, design, I'll think of something. then the choir members would get like a limited edition collection of Easter chicks. wee! 8D
also was really pleased at Leonard's response as well as ______'s response. its a pity that Leonard could extract favours from me whereas ______ didn't try. I mean I'm such a total pushover! if you'll ask I'll never say no. but then again it was a self-serve kinda thing so anything could have happened. hurm.
yep. call me shallow but it was mainly the chicks I wanted to blog about this Easter. hehe. the first in the collection. brown chicks and cream shells. I think I'll add some photos later.

i just found out after a bit of research,
my japanese name would be
Kane Kinniji
It even alliterates.
lol.
but it doesn't sound too good imo
i mean, kane?
money?
kin?
gold?
egh~
but as a word,
kinniji sounds pretty cute tho.

like some little animal name
or something.
but this isn't the true name la

the real response would come soon, i hope.

if it turns out the same i'd be quite surprised.


Still have more to post about easter, but that can wait i guess.

once easter is over its so easy to slip back into sin.
the temptations will always be there
and the reasons for resolution are wavering as the season passes.

perhaps i sound shallow.
i should always have a reason not to succumb to sin, being the christian i am.
but humans are logical, crowd following, and mostly fallible creatures.
and i am not much different,
except that i have God to turn to.

thats why i am publishing this post,
trying my best, weak little human that i am,
to maintain my easter frame of mind,
and not succumb to the delicious temptations dangling in front of me,
waiting to strike me maliciously out of this newly refound eden.

with perseverence and grace,
lets keep a firm hold of this easter feeling and make it last.

totally worth reading.
had me laughing insanely
banging my head
(thats a first, i was never compelled enough to do that before)
sniggering like crazy
laughing out loud, at times
fangirling like an idiot
(over a ridiculously handsome blood-drenched drool-worthy bishounen tranny elf.)

loved the game/reality idea
its like the .hack series
just that this is more fanservice-ey
wheras .hack is more epic. hardcore, in a sense.
love the art.

i'll be looking forward to the next chapter release.
hearts!!

love prince. pity they didn't feature wolf-nii as much recently. i liked him quite a deal too. i like the arabian prince too *u* kenshin is such a total rip-off, but coz this is a game-based after all, i guess anything goes. haha. this author has some crazy good ideas. hearts.

you know sometimes I think I think too much.
I suppose people do encounter these kind of ideas once a while.

but after confession last Thursday I decided that I would refrain from over-analysing things
and over thinking situations
to preserve my sanity of thought.
and innocence
(though I suppose lost innocence can never be truly regained)

so I won't harp on the matter any more.
the yoke has been lifted,
lets not re-burden ourselves on past problems
;)

Saturday's lenten session was fantastic too.
I guess when I did it in J1
I felt pretty carefree and thought that everything was still manageable by the little me.
how wrong I was.
after everything took that crazy plunge down the
metaphorical rabbit-hole
I realised
(perhaps a little too late -
much too late)
that God reciprocates efforts.
no effort, no reward;
despite all the amount of prayer and faith.

remember the parable of the talents?
I do need to apply it more in school work.
I need to grow from my past self.
become a changed person.
change my attitude towards schooling.
change my attitude towards work.
perhaps, even change my attitude towards choir.
gather my verve, courage.
and take things just that bit more seriously.
be involved beyond just fulfilling basic duties.
score more than just the passing mark.
do more than just the minimum.

living is only once a lifetime
why choose death and condemn yourself even before you try life?
put yourself on the edge.
stop hiding in the shadows like a scoundrel thief.
its now time to
LIVE

This years lent has been quite bad.
Bad cause I've been indulging way too much.
Sigh
yarn and needles and stuff.
Beaded thread and cards and snacks.
Thoughts, even.
What's probably most sad is that
I didn't reflect much.
feel so shallow now.
2010 has been a poor lent.
Let's hope next years is better.
Let's make it better.

with thanks to belly-sia:

i say puttu you say mayam -
puttu!
(mayam!)
puttu!
(mayam!)

i say belly you say button -
belly!
(button!)
belly!
(button!)

i say tea you say pot
tea!
(pot!)
tea!
(pot!)

woaaaaahh~ YEAH!!
[remember the actions!]

I just got 93 spanking brand new books.
WOOHOO
@u@
*u*

albeit they are eBooks
so i guess 'fresh off the internet'
may not exactly qualify as
'spanking new'

but oh what the heck
93 books!!
NINETY-THREE.

pheeeeeeeee-ew~~!

this makes me almost as happy as fantasizing about *cough*
never mind.
i'm happy enough anyway.

SO MANY CLASSICS!!!
WEEEEEEE!!
i can't help spamming caps now

ITS JUST TOO EXCITING!!!

plays and poetry and supernatural and fairy tales and weeeeeeeeeee!!
yeah my brain is in quite a bit of trauma right now.
the happy, ecstasy-laced kind.
foo wee!
shalalalalalala!

xD

lets just hope its compatible with my little bundle of JOY.
xD

mikumikumikuniku! 8D

i need to finish my chicks
if not i'll be cocking up my easter.

haha.
just needed to crack that lame joke(s).

gnite sleep early
sweet dreams ;)

help out more in choir
but when all the computer i can have access to after 1030 is windows mobile on my handphone
its pretty hopeless
sigh

there are also more things i hope for
but overmentioning it will just make it bland.

my mom threw away my spotlight voucher.
or rather, she recycled it by stuffing it into the newspaper stack
and sold it off to the garang-guni.
for like what - $0.005 more?
TOOTHPICKS.

i was SO keeping it!!
I have NO idea why she NEVER hears me out
and is always SO insistent on
THROWING
EVERY
BLOODY
THING
AWAY
so long its lying around the house.
especially MY stuff.

I WANTED IT FOR THE EASTER TOYSSSSSSS!
ARGH!
SPORFFFFFF.
FARRRRR
RAKKKKKKE

SO PISSED.

I keep thinking of him him him
its driving me crazy
every other moment
those random incoherent thoughts

the love object

how curiously apt/inept
dumb hormones
EGH

I wish I could wake up from this crazy rose-tinted dream
cause I can't bear if it were to fade,
or worse:
crumble back into an unforgivingly
realistic
situation.

I'm such a hopeless romantic, aren't i?
to choose the less satisfying route
just so to harbour these
thoughts and
feelings,
never daring to seek reciprocation

sigh

First, i've been doing alot of reading.
Borrowing and reading like a
book-whore
or whatever you'd call it
from Brit Council
(Brits are cool. HFDYA?)
Re-read The Hobbit by Tolkien,
The Various, The Greylands, The... &etc.
mainly children books but thats the genre I like anyway.
So thats where the title's from.

Also, today i'd just made a waste of time
by going down to my tutee's house
AT THE WRONG TIME.
ahaha! ~x_x
It was an evening class
but the messed up me
(messed up by my bloody A-level results
messed up by the unrequited attempted romance in my life
messed up by the messy state of things in the house
messed up by mom's lecture of me being messy
[which i wholly disagree to. I do have a sense of orderliness. Its just different from yours.]
&etc.)
went at bloody 2pm instead.
haha.
(its not the cute embarrassed kind of 'haha' -
its the slightly embittered,
shit-what-has-gone-wrong-with-my-life
kind of 'haha'.
The cynical, dry kind of laughter,
with eyes slightly closed.
Tired sounding laugh,
echoing with dissapointment.
Dissapointment at self,
knowing that I could well have done better,
but what the hell, I just had to forget, and
Screw things up.)
(If you'd prefer a cute, genuine laugh,
refer to the first haha)

In any case, i've been laughing
the sad humourless laugh
too many times
these past few days.
Its exhausting me.
Everyone tells me
'its not too bad,
life goes on,
there are other options,
&etc'
Its almost a perfect litany.
I mean,
do you think i'm really
UNAWARE?
ARGH.
lets just move on.
Emotions are tiring.
And i'm already tired.

This part stems from the unrequited attempted romance.
ref. my earlier post,
"An ill entertained mind is a dangerous mind"
Being so free after my As,
I allowed my mind to roam in any direction it fancied.
I entertained thoughts of romance,
perhaps lust, though I know but little of it.
So I decided to pick up a new hobby,
it was blog reading.
You could possibly call it:
stalking.
But being the _____ I am,
snivelling coward?
I decided to cover my tracks.
"How?" You may ask.
I would leave you to find out for yourself.
It is more interesting that way.
But then again,
the style in which I write my blog entries
is so dreary,
so dry.
I don't think anyone would be interested enough
to actually act upon it.

So let me go on and proceed
with my life.
Put my idle mind to better use.
Let this piece of empty prose
wither away to fragments of nothing
in time to come.

sometimes, i wonder...

Life is picking up its pace.
After being left in the doldrums for so long
its almost
unbearably
fast

But i like it.
After all,
change is the only constant in life,
isn't it?

(Besides God, but that is a different matter)
(On a side note, i'm such a bloody romantic (>x_x<) )

Just finished As a while back,
now i feel like i'm kinda lacking direction in life.
lol.
tried to apply for admin job
but freaked out.
Then signed up at british council for eng teacher's course.
hopefully my grammar can make it.
erks
after that i'll be a tuition teacher.
hopefully pay mom back her 3k before i go to my next institution.
was browing the earlier posts.
its nice to know more about oneself, no?

just came back from choir camp too.
held at ihm retreat house.
my goodness, it was dirty.
but company there was good.
got to know more about our choir members.
heh
;)

princess is over right now.
a while back she ran into uncle jaffa's house
scared the shit out of me.
he swung a mop at her.
bloody heck.

anyway.

kor has been having issues.
with school, alyssa and what not.
i think he has been lying
and having a guilty conscience
thats why he keeps acting up
and behaving in a cranky manner.
hope all this settles soon.
hurm

we've also been doing
carolling
with theresa, the jiejie from childrens choir
some money earned.
hopefully
its more than i'm expecting
hopefully my maths will fail me
and the numbers larger than i expect.
thats what the others keep telling me
oh well.
lets just focus on spreading the christmas cheer first.
;)

merry xmas, yeah? :)

The Ascendant

Capricorn Symbol

There's a seriousness to Capricorn rising people that is unmistakable. Even when they're joking around, it's of the deadpan variety. In fact, plenty of very humorous people have Capricorn Ascendants. It's all in the timing...and the fact that they don't giggle before the joke is over.

Capricorn Ascendant people project competence. They simply ooze it. They're generally very image-conscious people--the clothes they wear and their manner are a big deal to them. They want to appear successful, and they generally succeed!

Often the Ascendant persona is the one that was forced upon us by family conditioning. For example, parents may label their Libra Ascendant child the "nice" one; their Aries Ascendant child the "independent" one; and their Pisces Ascendant child is generally the space cadet of the family. We adopt these roles as familiar ones, and often carry them with us as our defense mechanisms, in some way or another, for the rest of our lives. In the case of Capricorn Ascendants, these were the children who were considered the responsible ones. Sometimes, it was they themselves who looked around them and felt the need to be the structured, dependable, and responsible members of the family. So, often, Capricorn rising people adopted a strong sense of tradition, family, and responsibility at a very young age.

Capricorn rising people are generally big on family, and forever worry about security--for themselves and their dependents. They come across to others as hard-working, competent, and dependable people. What others may not see under that cool, even suave, exterior, is an inner struggle: they often ask themselves, "Am I doing enough?", "Do I deserve all of this?", "How can I make things better?" They worry a lot about the future.

If success seemed to have come easy to these folks, it hasn't. They just made it look that way with a patient, hard-working, driven personality. Some Capricorn rising people practice some form of self-denial. They know how to do away with the frivolous. Still, they'll spend money on the clothes they really want (the ones with the right labels, that is), and other status symbols. Although they're rarely showy, their quiet air of success is often a result of conscious effort.

More often than not, Capricorn rising individuals are success stories. Their childhoods may have been difficult, but they slowly but surely turn their lives around. Saturn rules this Ascendant, and this generally means a kind of backwards way of living--as children, they are serious and bear a lot of responsibility; and as they grow up, they age beautifully, learning how to loosen up.

The Ascendant (or rising sign) is often considered the mask one wears when meeting others. Perhaps it is most aptly thought of as the automatic responses to one's environment. The Ascendant shows our natural defenses and how we cope with day-to-day issues. The energies of the sign and condition of the Ascendant are most overt and obvious to others. The Ascendant shows an individual's first, natural reaction to new people and situations.

The characteristics of Capricorn Ascendant described above are modified by planets conjunct the Ascendant, planets that aspect the Ascendant, and the position of the ruling planet of the sign on the Ascendant. For example, a person with a Capricorn Ascendant with its ruling planet, Saturn, in Sagittarius will respond to the environment a little differently than another person, also with a Capricorn Ascendant, but whose Saturn is in Scorpio. Similarly, a person with a Capricorn Ascendant who also has Venus conjunct it will "behave" differently than someone with a Capricorn Ascendant who does not have that aspect in their natal charts.

-

The following interpretation of Capricorn Ascendant is from the Karmic Insight Report, and is written from an esoteric viewpoint.

The point that was on the eastern horizon at the moment of your birth is called the ASCENDANT, or rising sign. While the Sun describes your conscious direction and current life focus, and the Moon your subconscious predisposition and past, the Ascendant indicates a way of being that transcends and embraces past, present, and future. It describes the way you engage and merge with the outer world and how you bring through into life the energies depicted by the Sun, the Moon, and the rest of your birth chart. Everything is filtered through the Ascendant from an esoteric point of view. It indicates your soul's function and thus a key part of your destiny.

-

Capricorn Rising - General

Hardheaded realism, earthly pragmatism and a concern for outward form or reputation colors your entire life expression. You are ruled by Saturn, planet of time, old age, and maturity, as well as of pruning, discipline, and restriction, the archetype of the Crone or the Seney, the old man. Thus, you possess the impersonal detachment and worldly understanding of an elder, even in youth. You will have to cultivate flexibility and moisture (in your body as well as in your thinking) in order to offset your natural tendency toward dryness and/or rigidity and stiffness. (Since you are Saturn-ruled, the section on this planet later in the report is especially relevant to you).

Esoterically, mastery of the world of form and the ability to physically manifest and embody spirit is a key to your soul function.

-

A Spiritual Interpretation of Capricorn Rising

The following interpretation of Capricorn Rising is from Your Spiritual Path Report.

"Your rising sign's symbol is the goat, an animal that seeks the highest places on a mountain. The symbol also incorporates the tail of a fish, suggesting that your roots are somehow in the water. The part of the body related to this sign is the knee. Two images come to mind: you engage in the ambitious climb through your profession, seeking greater height for its own sake. Yet you are able to dive into the water and use your flexible knees to move you through the water. The contrast of material upward progress and downward movement into the emotional realm is striking. Yet both are related to the material condition of the living human being.
Your spiritual path lies in the blending of these forces, and the material plane provides the catalyst for your spiritual development. One-sided material ambition cannot elevate you to a higher spiritual plane any more than one-sided emotional life can satisfy you completely. Together they form the foundation from which all future progress emerges. It is from this synthesis that you can move into the nest turning of your upward moving spiritual path.

The hallmark of this rising sign is intelligent activity. Thus it is important for you to pay attention to whatever subjects you study and to go beyond the facts to discern the theory that governs your interests. Finally you will be able to use your skills to identify multiple solutions to problems. Then you can exercise spiritual discernment to identify the solution that best suits the situation and the individuals involved. Underlying the desire to find a workable solution lies the desire to work that solution harmoniously.

Going back to the knee, the capacity to kneel parallels your ability to climb and to swim. I recall stories of pilgrims who travel the last part of their journey to a shrine on their knees as a sign of humility before the greatness of the divine. You may want to learn humility before the greatness of your peers and learn to serve them willingly."

-

Capricorn Ascendant from the Cosmo Natal Report:

"Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike.

You are pragmatic, shrewd, and an excellent strategist, carefully planning your moves for maximum effectiveness and advantage. You are willing to work long and persistently for what you want and you often do things the hard way. You do not expect others to take care of you and sometimes refuse or simply don't seek any outside help. You are often very ambitious, but quietly so. There is nothing flamboyant or flashy about your approach. You are very responsible, conscientious, and very concerned with your duties to others and how you appear in society, your "rank" so to speak.

To others you seem mature, serious, quiet, reflective, and emotionally detached. You dislike sloppy sentimentality and won't openly display your feelings, especially the softer ones. You like to always appear poised and in control and hate to show any weakness, vulnerability, or chinks in the armor.

You respect tradition and the time-honored way of doing things, and you feel there is much to be gained from studying history and also by learning from older, more experienced people. A wise mentor or father is often your guide in life, and you in turn develop a great deal of hard-earned wisdom which you like to impart to younger people.

You have a stern, authoritarian, no-nonsense aspect to your personality. You expect much from yourself and may not give yourself enough room to experiment and make mistakes.

You also tend to be rather close-fisted, to save and conserve your money and resources rather than spending, enjoying, or splurging with them. You spend money on things of quality and of lasting value, things which are good investments, but not frivolous, temporary pleasures. There is a bit of the ascetic in you. You have great self-discipline and self-control and can "do without" very well. Your tastes are generally understated and simple.

Though you may have other, more colorful and imaginative sides, the face you show the world is modest and rather conservative."

-

Famous People with Capricorn Rising:

Lucille Ball (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Taurus)
Candice Bergen (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Cancer)
Wade Boggs (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Sagittarius)
Erma Bombeck (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Sagittarius)
Deborah Boone (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
Ray Bradbury (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Virgo)
Charles Bronson (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Libra)
Bobby Brown (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aries)
Dick Cavett (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Nat King Cole (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Leo)
Sean Connery (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Francis Ford Coppola (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aries)
Marie Curie (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
Catherine Deneuve (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Gemini)
Carmen Electra (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Gemini)
Queen Elizabeth I (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Cancer)
Queen Elizabeth II (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
Jane Fonda (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Mark Hamill (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Libra)
Dustin Hoffman (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aries)
Anthony Hopkins (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Amy Jo Johnson (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Taurus)
Ted Kennedy (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Billy Jean King (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Gemini)
Michael Knight (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Michael Landon (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Brandon Lee (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Liberace (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Leo)
Sophia Loren (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aquarius)
Dylan McDermott (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Paul Newman (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
George Segal (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aquarius)
Tom Selleck (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Cancer)
Cindy Williams (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Leo)
Joanne Woodward (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
William Butler Yeats (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Libra)

Falling in love is so emotionally exhausting,
And we all know what happened with my last relationship.
So.
I don't know if i'm willing to take the risk again -
Put everything on the line,
Again.
Not knowing if it will be dashed to bits or not,
My already once-broken heart.

I don't dare to give my all
Because i'm afraid that if i give my all,
And if,
If,
If
It happens,
Then what would be left of me?
Nothing.
Because i gave every last piece of myself to you.

And you can say i'm selfish, but
I don't want to feel that loneliness,
That despair of being cast aside,
That complete and utter emptiness,
Again.

So, please pardon my hesitation.
Pardon my lack of enthusiasm.
Because in spite of all the pretty words spoken,
All the promises made
(which i do intend to keep),
There lies this seed of doubt at the back of my mind.

The possibility that everything might not work out,
That this impossibly perfect world might just come crashing down on me,
Again.

But yet,
The warm blood flows through me,
Reminding me that i'm human,
That i have a heart,
Emotions.

Emotions that
Deny logic.

Emotions that
Cast aside fears and doubt.

Emotions that
Keep me trusting despite all odds.

So is this called love?

Or am i just trying to convince myself?

Am i so desperate to fall in love?

I can't seem to answer these questions myself.

Mind versus heart.

Can i never end the conflict?

Just read Jack London's "Call of the Wild"
Felt the story much more than when i last read it as a kid.
Reminded me of 犬犬。
Ah. T_T
Taught me about life.
I felt like a Dave.
Or perhaps a Sol-Leks,
tired and weary, but trudging on because of my pride in duty.
but then again where should my priorities lie?
School should take precedence over work.
But work is more satisfying.
Me with my penchant for instant gratification. Haha.
Agh i really need to study!!
And sleep as well, for that matter.
Oh yes, i should take vitamins and etc as well.
Sigh.
Sometimes i wonder what kind of a person am i.
Despicable, i'd say.
Disappointing.
Half-baked.
Sigh.
I know.
I should work on it.
I will.

Family:
Dad & Mom: new home slippers!
Kor: socks + watch
Dajie: NOTHING (lol)
Belicia: ultra-cute air mail letter pouch!

Choir:
Sweets, candy and more candy.
Big+Small Bongs: File
Vanessa+Ivan: Mug
Marilyn: Tupperware (lol)

Lees:
Dai Kau Fu: Ang Pow
Ejiong+Ema: Ang Pow + Bakkwa? & Mighty Hamper
Sai Kau Mo: Drapey Knit Top

Choongs:
Uncle Peter: VOUCHERSS!! @u@
Uncle Philip: nothing

Now on hindsight the presents don't seem to be much, but i got a few significant gifts, i.e. slippers and pouch. lol idk why i'm so happy this christmas, lol!

I'm falling,
I'm
F
A
L
L
I

N

G

.

I can't help it but i'm falling.
There isn't any controlling,
And i know there's a hard floor waiting.

I know there'll be major hurting -
But i'm falling.

its really been a while now.
probably forgot quite a few details.
actually i documented this on the shared blog.
the one jason and i used to share.
but then he so smartly deleted it.
without even asking me.

dammit why does his name have to keep appearing in my posts.
rage face.

ok on to the facts.

continuing from the point where Mr. ex dropped me off at the A&E bay.
Da jie and I got registered, and then they took my essentials.
My blood pressure was really low, so they kept on taking it again and again.
it happens everywhere.
i somehow get a kick from seeing the people's puzzled faces.
'is the machine spoilt?'
'lets try another machine.'
'why not we do it manually',
etc.
funny, funny.

So after that, another round of waiting.
i had to wait for them to register me, and after quite a while,
(da jie was holding the huge holiday-esque packed duffle bag)
they called me in.
da jie couldn't come in either. so she had to stay outside and wait.
i took my handphone along.

then there was another round of bp measuring and SP02 and whatnot.
then they did the breathing test again. yeah i forgot to mention that.
they'd put a stethescope on my back to check right lung against left lung.
and then they'd all panic cause there wasn't any breathing sounds from my right lung. lol.
which meant that it had collapsed pretty bad.
but my left lung was compensating, so i could still be happy and merry.
but of course its a bad thing.

then they made me take off my shoes, put me on a bed, and wheeled me into this sorta private corridor.
then they hooked me up to monitor my vitals, and left me waiting there.
and they said i couldn't use my handphone.
but i got so bored, after a while i started texting da jie anyway.
i also overheard how that day was 'pneumothorax day', cause there were so many pneumothorax cases.
so i asked what it was, and i got my explanation, albeit quite briefly.
i also heard how i was an unusual case cause i was female, non-smoker, and not tall and skinny.
then i was left alone again.

then they suddenly put up a set of screens, and a bunch of girls came around, and a doctor told me they would need to preform this procedure called needle aspiration.
which is basically poking a needle into the pocket of air formed between the inner lining of the intercostal muscles and the collapsed lung, and using the needle to suck the air out.
then hopefully, my lung would re-expand and be okay.
so there was some improvement, and they sent me back.

then a few days (or was it the next day?)
my lung recollapsed again.
this time i was supposed to go to the zoo with jason.
but as i was crossing the overhead bridge, i got really really breathless.
this time without the sharp pain, but it was really REALLY breathless
like alot more than before.
it was like i was inhaling and exhaling as much as i could,
but only a very small amount of air was getting in.
so we took public transport, or was it cab? to ttsh again.

this time, they admitted me, and did a chest tube.
which made breathing hurt like fuck.
like i could feel the tube inside me, and it was rubbing against my lung or something every time i tried to breathe.
after a day or so the pain got better, and eventually i managed to reach the stage where i would hold the box and walk around to do my business, and just basically stretch out my legs.
oh yes, sitting and lying down hurt like hell, too. cause the wound site was on my shoulder.
for the first one or two nights, i couldn't sleep properly cause the pressure against the wound site was just too fucking painful.

Then a while after that, the doctor basically told me that the chest tube wasn't working and he didn't know why, so they fiddled with it. like poked it deeper, try to do this, and that and etc.
OH YEAH.
i forgot to mention!
they did the chest tube thing in the corridor again,
but this time, i got nervous, so when they injected the local anaesthesia, i fainted.
lol.
joke, sia.
so yeah i didn't get to experience the procedure of getting a chest tube poked into your body.
the scar left behind is my shoulder scar, which i didn't name, cause its fading pretty well, imo.
caterpillar, butterfly and dragonfly are taking a while longer.
dragonfly is starting to fade too. whee!

back to the topic.
so after the chest tube failed, and my lungs weren't getting any better, the doctors had to find a solution.
so their conclusion was to have a little op.
oh yes, i had xrays every morning, and did blood tests morning and night too, and had my vitals measured on a regular basis. can't say i didn't like the attention. xD
though occasionally the drawing of blood for the tests would hurt a bit cause my veins were small and the needle would miss, then they'd have to try a different site. lol. like poking into meat sia. surprisingly enough, the IV i had didn't hurt.
Anyway. I always wanted to try poking an IV permanently, and connecting it to a saline bag, and just hydrate myself off the saline. then i wouldn't need to bother to drink water, or at least i'd be less dehydrated. unlike now. meh.
Ok thats pretty gross, but it was just an idea of mine.
y'know, for the sake of convenience.

so anyway.
they made my vitals improve until i was ready for surgery, then they wheeled me in.
quite exciting.
they put me on this surgery plinth, and made me sign a form, then they put me in the anaesthesia waiting room, and a girl student talked to me to help me relax. she was nice
then they wheeled me in, told me to relax, and asked me to breathe the gas. the doc said count down from ten, and by the time you reach zero, you'd be asleep. if you even reach zero at all.
so i was like okey. 10, 9, 8, gone.

lol
when i woke, the surgery was over, but instead of being the promised 1-2 hour surgery, it turned out to be a 6 hour surgery.
i think mom and dad were panicking like crazy.
turns out, i didn't just have one blister on my lung surface, i had a whole bunch of them at the top of my right lung.
so they had to staple off the affected area, aka the top of my lung, and trim the bad tissue away. so i lost a part of my lung.
and when i woke, the first thing that struck me was 'i'm cold!!' it was freaking cold. it was like the most cold i had ever been. and i kept complaining to the nurses between chattering teeth. so in the end the nurse turned this massive fan at me, and blew hot air over me. it helped, but not much.

recuperation wasn't fun, i had to do breathing exercises with the physio, and it hurt to breathe. the morphine didn't help either. heroin would probably have been more effective. all the morphine did was give me a slight buzz - even alcohol could get me more relaxed.. so anyway.
the blood tests and xrays still continued, and cause i wasn't improving fast enough, the doctors scolded me regularly, and dr. bala (the physio) kept on reminding me to breathe the thing. damn! they have no idea how much it hurt.

eventually, when i got better, and after a lot of gifts, i was finally discharged. a while later, my stitches healed, so i went to the polyclinic to get them removed. it actually felt pretty painless.

yup. so thats about it for my pneumothorax case, if you still don't know what pneumothorax is, its basically a lung collapse, go google it. haha.

A boy took my heart. But not my spirit.

I wish I could tell my story.
Maybe you can guess its not a 'pretty' story.
But I'm ready to turn the page with you.

been sighing so much recently.
i feel that everyone's just moving at their own pace
and are dragging me along
regardless of the fact that i'm tired
and i don't want to move.

i just want to rest
sleep
and keep sleeping
and yeah.
have the luxury of not needing to wake.
ever.
not needing to face the shit in this world
not needing to be dragged through mud
not needing to be constantly harassed and annoyed
not needing to face the things that stab me in the heart

yeah its a coward's way out.
i'm a coward.
i don't want to act strong and all that
i'm not like that
its so very very tiring
to keep up the act
but can i let it all fall apart?
no.

i still have my obligations and responsibilities.
fuck those two words
so sick of them plaguing me
gah.
sigh.

モンスターハンター。。。 く！ *はなぢ*

Thank God i didn't check on my birthday itself.
It would have been a horrible way to end the day.
Tch.
I don't know if I should be sad or angry.
Gah.
Fuck you.

You know what the best part was?
The best part was that I was actually waiting -
waiting for you.
Read through every single birthday wish
hoping yours would pop up.

And then I get that kind of a message.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry now.

You know,
I usually don’t change my mind once i’m set on it either.
So fucking how?

You know,
in church they said
'love always excuses'.
I always came up with some excuse for you.
I ALWAYS came up with some fucking excuse for you.
And frankly, I still wish to.
I want to tell myself,
'Its just a passing phase',
'Probably its just midterm stress taking its toll.'
'He just wants some space.'

I hope it is.

But if 'nope' now seems to indicate
'never',
'0 chance',
well.
I don't feel like hoping any more.

Don't you know.
Once a word leaves your lips,
you can
NEVER
take it back.

I hope you remember what words you said to me.
What hopes you raised.
Hopes which you now have dashed.

You know what -
even if you are not my friend.
Even if you dislike me.
You are still a part of my life.
Perhaps not my personal life any more,
but nonetheless still in a significant part of my life.
For as long as I see you every Sunday,
For as long as you are in STAC,
For as long as I hear news of you,
you will be imprinted more and more into my memories.
Just like Selene, Amanda, Jeremy, Marilyn, Suzette, Shirin, Isabel, Amanda, Priscillia, Vanessa.
Just like Leonard, Sam, Bernard, Michael, Laoren.
Even though some have already moved on,
I still have fond memories of all of them.
And you,
despite whatever you claim and assert,
are already a part of that collection of memories.

And since when have I wasted time and effort on you as a friend?
It was only during that short span of time that I actually invested anything in you.
Almost everything, actually, you faggot.
And for that large investment, what returns have you given me?
Practically 0. Zero.
Perhaps some fleeting happiness,
but even then, it wasn't much.
My own imaginary friends can give me as much.
But I was hoping that with time,
this investment would mature and bloom.
Did it?

And in any case.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY BLOODY NEW FRIENDS.
If you have never noticed,
I'm NOT the sociable type.
And with this kind of memory still fresh in my mind,
Do you think I would WANT to make any bloody friends?
I'd be happier burying myself in online nonsense - troll websites, facebook, manga, games, and whatnot.
Work has also been one of my best distractions.
But I really can't imagine myself saying, 'Hi, I'm Berenice, whats your name?' with a genuine intent for friendship.
No.

And what 'youth' have I to talk about?
You were my youth.
That's it.
I'm 20 now,
I'm old.
Everything I have wanted to try in my 'youth', I have already done so.
It hasn't been a perfect 'youth'.
Far from ideal, in fact.
Quite screwed up, actually.
But most of it was what I wanted to try out,
so I don't really have any complaints.

Except for the human factor.
Perhaps the human factor was something that I thought I could manage,
but it is unpredictable.
Highly variable.
And ultimately, it slipped out of my grasp.
Computers and games are all pre-programmed.
They may grow and mature,
but they will never develop an intellect.
They will never try to manipulate your emotions.
They will never betray your effort.
And I was complacent,
imagining that everything in this real world be just as simple.
What a fool I was!

Okay, fine.
I'm done with this rant.
I need to go and work.
At least I get some returns in the form of money.
Unlike relationships where you invest all and lose all.
It's a bitter experience, I felt cheated, scammed.
But that only happens to stupid people who let themselves be taken advantage of, right?
So yeah.
I was stupid.
I won't be stupid again.
I will live my life the way I want to,
and I won't give a shit about you any more than I'll give to the next person.

if you read my blog, please comment. i'm curious to know who you are and what you feel after reading this pile of crappy non-literature.


too bloody emo today.
cried in yoga.
damn paiseh.
lost my germanium bracelet.
and i have no idea where i even lost it.
damn sad.
i loved it so much.
dammit.
felt so bloody humiliated in yoga.
then while i was crying,
suddenly x popped into my head.
cried even more.
lol.
its funny in text.
its always funny in text.
l' har-har.
was sniffling and making squeaky gasping/choking sounds
cause i was trying to suppress my crying
by muffling myself with my sweat towel.
i know its gross, but i didn't really see any other option, haha.

wonder what all the other yoga students felt.
were they like 'OMG she's really pushing herself!'
or like
'She must be really lousy to be crying over such an easy stance..'
or
'LOL NUBZ.'
or
'dammit just stop crying already.'
frankly, i felt like walking out of that class
cause of 1. pride, and 2. pain.
but somehow, i managed to endure the whole thing.
i think my teacher extended the savasana so i could stop crying.
haha.
paiseh.

its really eating into me, that 'nope'.
if only you could explain it.
'nope' meaning 'no'
or 'nope' actually meaning 'never'
or 'nope' meaning 'not now, maybe next time'
or 'nope' meaning 'my female friend took my phone and is being a bitch'
or what.
OR WHAT!

bloody.
dammit.
any answer is better than none, y'know.

what just happened?
huh?
whaaat?
what does it even mean?
for now or for ever?

WHAT??

tsky!

its too bad i like to post my negative stuff here,
but thats cause i can't express it anywhere else.
and if i don't have an outlet for it,
it'll eat me inside out.
so here is another emo post.
so much for saying that this is now a happy blog.
haha..

Who am i to you?
Where do we stand?
Are you my ______?

Please come and save the day.
Say I'm the one you love and it's all a big mistake.
And I don't want to play the fool.
I've been giving up alot of me
for you.

Are my eyes deceiving me?
Is there a possibility?
Is it true what they're saying?
I won't believe them.

Who am I to you?
Did I ever mean a thing?

Just watched Juno with da jie.
Was like,
'That doesn't happen in real life!'
Also thought about stuff.
Sweet story.
The girl is really pretty,
though I don't really like the way she talks.
Orange Tic-Tacs.
I like them too!
They taste way better than the white ones.

Age: 20 years
Height: 158cm
Weight: 48.2kg

Body Fat: 24.7% (mildly overfat. Should be 17-24%)
Total Body Water: 55.1% (Ok. Ideal 45-60%)
Visceral Fat: 2 (tsk i thought i was 1)
Muscle Mass: 34.3kg
Physique Rating: 4 - Under Exercise (What can i say, i just started yoga)
Bone Mass: 2kg (Good, ideally 1.95kg)
Kcal: 1130 (a bit low.. I should try to improve nutrient absorption? Or something?)
BMR: 17 years

Overall I think its quite good! Although i have no idea with my Kcal reading. Does that indicate metabolism or what..? Hopefully with exercise i can get my fat levels down. Hee.

you play my heartstrings like a guitar.
i don't know if i should just give up.
it goes on and on and
i keep feeling inferior -
second fiddle.
do you even care.
or was it all just a game.
something to while the time away with,
then to be cast aside once your boredom is
sated.
sigh.
you were the soundtrack of my summer.

Just went to do for fun today, since its the start of the weekend and i don't have anything to rush out. :) All taken with a pinch of salt, ok!

Here is the analysis:

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.
You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.
You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.
Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

You value your friendships: 35%

You value your friendships quite a lot but you don't like to show your feelings to others. You would rather keep your feelings to yourself than share them with your friends. You might get a pleasant surprise if you are more open about caring for people - they will probably let you know that you're special to them, too.
oops this seems quite bad :p

ok enough. haha.

just went to read the other choir member's blogs.
just realised what a sub-par life i'm living.
just found out how hard everyone else is working.
just got slightly (ok quite) disgusted with with my laissez-faire lifestyle.
time to buck up.

this is quite early but i suddenly thought of stuff i wanted but never really got.
and some are also things i need.

external hard drive (1TB? 2TB? 3TB? x3)
hair curlers + lotion and relevant stuff
grado SR60 headphones
more little bitty blings of various sizes from Arab St
the heating tweezer thing for sticking blings. saw it somewhere once before..
lasik for my eyes. though i don't know if i might spoil them again.
iPhone or Android with relevant phone plan
a pet mammal. preferably dog. but i don't mind dolphins either. no cats.
money.
some exercise course/membership. then i finally am forced to exercise in a pleasant way.
adobe photoshop and flash (the maker not plugin). i don't need the whole package.
wacom tablet
holiday with 1 or 2 loved ones. (haha you can guess who its fairly obvious)

thats all for now.

its been so long since i last posted here.
life has been rough.
but it goes on
nonetheless.

facing some trouble recently.
vanilla saves my soul.
thank God i found a solution.

its time to bide.

i'm so sad and disappointed at so many things in my life right now.
my shitty grades - average of C;
first it was clinical
then org psych.
sigh.

Then Leong Hwee.

And all my family conflict.
Why does mom have to take offense at everything, and hurt people back so much?
Now my phase is over, she's teaming with da jie to persecute dad.
da jie has a valid reason - she does not.
she's just riding on the negativity to lash out at dad.
why.
why.

No one wants to talk to me now.
Not in school,
not at home.
I can't even sms Jason.

And i'm crying now.
like haha.
crying at a computer.
thank god the com lab is empty.

should it be hurting so much to be good?
should it be hurting so much to do the right thing?

i was so desperate to have a conversation yesterday
i even bitched about meng yee to leong hwee
just so that he would talk to me.
but it was wrong.
and i was stupid.

i really want to have someone i can lean on now.
someone i can hug
and cry with
and seek comfort.
I know its supposed to be God

but i wish there would just be a person i can confide in.
charis? perhaps i should.
but i need to study too.
and do the presentation.
sigh.

life.
so depressing.

i have this habit
of shoving things under the mat,
figuratively.
hiding behind figures of authority,
wearing different masks in front of different people.
So that i could cope
with the many situations life threw at me.
i thought
that was the way to deal with pain and hurt.
hide it.
mask it.
pretend it did not exist.
no one wanted to know about it anyway.

but recently in sociology, i learnt
the masks you wear
eventually become the you that you are.
i have been wearing so many masks
i thought i could never discard them all.
that life would be a journey of deception,
switching from mask to mask,
never showing my true self.

then i met Jason,
and felt that i could finally discard those masks
and be myself.
i could love
and be loved in return.
i could shed my pride for him,
and not be hurt in return.
i could be myself
without any external evaluation or judgement.

then everything happened.

and now Awaken.
it is true.
i have awakened to the harsh reality.
even if i want to love them
they still hurt me.
it makes it so hard for me.
to hear them say those cutting words so easily.
whats worse is their casual comments
that reflect their changed opinion of me.
the small actions
that show how they don't trust me anymore.
and how do i react in return?
i foolishly hurt them back.
in that moment,
i couldn't think.
i was just so hurt.
and you weren't even sorry.
you were like,
'that's life, suck it up.'
how can i love you like that?
i don't know how to face you all anymore.
i don't know how to face God anymore.
i know he loves me.
infinitely.
but i keep letting him down.
again and again.
i can control myself when i try hard.
and i have been trying.
and i have been controlling myself physically.
but what of emotions?

what of external factors that i can't control?
its not that i want to control them.
but its just so unrelenting.
hurt people hurt people.
you get it?
people who are hurt, hurt others in return.
i'm hurting,
hurting so much.
and just as awakened healed me,
and just as i stepped out of the retreat
apprehensive, but willing to give it a try,
you cut me down.
pa-bow! bam! cr-ash!

and everything reverts back to how it was before.
you probably didn't even realise what you did.
even if i told you,
you'd just laugh it off,
like what you did.
hurting me
again
and
again.

I know humans are fallible creatures.
i know i'm fallible.
thats why i'm trying so hard.
perhaps not hard enough.
but why aren't you trying either?
why?
do you think your hurtful actions are justified?
i know you do.
just as you think your actions for kor were justified,
you think your actions for me are justified too.
i'm not talking about the lectures, or scolding.
i'm talking about the after-effects.
the way you treat me like a pariah.
the metaphysical killing of my soul.
so slowly, so deliberate.
so unaware.

In the end it all boils down to God.
It sounds like a hasty conclusion,
but it isn't.
With our human limitations,
we can't end the cycle of hurt.
I hurt you, you hurt me, we're a bleeding family.
Its not funny.
I'm so tired of it all.
I was so tired i gave it all up to God.
And he granted me rest.
Rest in the Spirit.
I had never rested that well in such a long, long while.
I was completely at peace.
But now i've fallen again.

Life is about the struggle, isn't it.
Until the day we enter the heavenly kingdom,
these struggles won't end.

And so i lift them up to you, Lord.
I know that alone, i'm weak.
I try, and fail. And try again.
And thats why cynics always win.
Cause bad things will happen to everyone.
If you keep saying that people will fall,
people will fail;
its true. They do.
But you don't need to rub the salt in.
Instead,
help them up.
Guide them along.
Don't make this journey harder than it already is.

Thats why God is so necessary.
Only God can give us the grace to be nice to others when they hurt us.
Give us love to forgive; not just others, but ourselves too, when our hearts are full of bitterness and self-hatred.
Give us the strength to bite back the hurtful word and offer it up as a sacrifice.
Give us the courage to do the right thing when the world screams otherwise.
Give us the fortitude to keep striving to do good,
so that even if we stumble and fall along the way,
we know that we once had the capacity to be good,
and so not give up, but instead pick our battered bodies up,
reach out and hold on to your loving hand,
and continue on this journey
until we reach your heavenly kingdom,
Amen.

and thus i sadly turn over to a new page.

sweet dreams are made of this.
some things are just not meant to be.
who am i to disagree?
if i travel the world and the seven seas
and find a better man
i might be compelled to try
after all
everybody's looking for something
that elusive
'something'
that i thought i found in you.
but my heart will always be yours.
i'll wait these 4 years.
i'll wait for you to man up
and sober down.
if your heart strays,
i won't blame you
but i will be disappointed
saddened beyond belief.
but i will move on,
just as i now have to move on too.

but i believe that people can change.
after all,
change is the only constant in life.
the only difference is this:
to change for the better
or for the worse.
逆水行舟
不进则退
I will strive to improve myself.
i know i'm flawed.
probably more than you, actually.
but i will improve myself.
i'll struggle upstream.
i'll be waiting at that bank round the corner
4 years down the road.

please don't slip downstream.
its so easy to just let go of it all
and give in to the undercurrent.
but the gate to heaven is narrow
and the wide and easy gate leads to destruction.
we were treading a thin line to a doomed fate.
thats why
we both need to grow and mature.
you and i both.

i might say you are not worthy of my love.
but i too, am unworthy.
so let me polish up myself.
file away the rough edges.
to make myself honorable and presentable
to the Lord at the altar,
when we make the sacred vows.
to have nothing to hide,
nothing to regret.
to only have room for joy and love
and not sin.

I don't think this chapter has closed entirely.
it is like a prelude.
a lead-in to the better chapter.
The chapter 2.1
with the 2.2 in line.

4 years is a long time to write a chapter.
but i believe it will be a rich chapter,
bursting with goodness
satisfying the reader.
I will work on my half of the chapter,
please work on yours too!

There was a young man who said, "God
Must think it exceedingly odd;
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no one about in the Quad. 
- Ronald Knox

Reply. 
"Dear Sir: Your astonishment's odd:
I am always about in the Quad.
And that's why the tree 
Will continue to be
Since observed by
- Yours faithfully,
- God."
- Anon

Jason and I
^^

so many things to say,
so many feelings to express.
so many experiences to share,
so many dates to commemorate.

I'm looking forward to our future.

i asked,
and he said 'yes, but
just as a friend.'
so that clears the air for me.
i can move on now.

its like those novels.
the first chapter is always the longest,
filled with all those background information
that is so necessary,
yet it is not what makes the story.

it was necessary -
i needed to conjure someone to love.
but that didn't satisfy me.

so now that you've disappeared, Mr. Debonair,
(you were just a figment of my imagination, anyway.
a product of my romantic fantasies that i didn't want to let go of.)
i can move on with my life.

of course i still like ___.
probably more than many other people.
but we'll just keep it platonic.

life goes on
for the better.
^^

my love for ___ seems more and more
illogical.
he doesn't seem to love me.
'so random', am i?
sigh.
perhaps we just don't have that level of connection
i'll wait,
i'll try.

but if nothing happens,
i won't cry.

I still love your voice,
but i don't think i love you the same way anymore,
Mr. Debonair.

I haven't really posted this, cause technically its not over yet.
But i think it will end soon.
can feel myself getting better.
voice seems kinda softer.

lets start from the start.
i might not finish it at one go,
but it'll be complete by the end of April,
April 29.

Missed Monday-Wednesday of lessons.
Mar 28-30.
Was hoping for a full week off.
guess luck like that doesn't happen.

in a way, thank goodness it wasn't a week.
the admin stuff was making me nervous.
attendance warning for the month.
OMG!
I don't want any marks on this school's record of me.

I didn't care much for Cedar coz i was stupid,
and in CJC i cared too much for my record and too little for my books,
so now i want to get the balance right.
can't screw this up.
its my last chance, dammit!

Anyway it started in the morning.
Around 6am, the usual.
Woke up with a pressure on my chest,
thought it'd go away.
I even dressed for school and packed my bag and did the works.
But it got significantly sharper.
So I decided to stay at home,
and go to the polyclinic later.
Mom told me to go straight away.
It was like 6.45am.
The registration time was like what - 7.45 or something?
Da Jie and I had a good laugh.

And yes, talking about the laughs.
I have no idea why, but
everytime i'm majorly i'll
i'm always in a super good mood.
pretty high, actually.
The fever last time,
occasionally those dying cramps.
Its funny how i'm so funny sometimes.

The downside to that was:
every time i laughed,
it would activate that stabbing pain right under my right shoulderblade.
But i felt it wasn't a big deal.
So laugh i did.

Then da jie and I went to the polyclinic around 8 or so.
Took bus to central, then walked down.
I started to adapt and take shallower breaths,
but the pain got worse,
until an even sharper piercing pain developed in my right shoulder.
I was also getting quite breathless.
When we reached the polyclinic, it was a waiting game.
no surprise there.
anticipating the wait, da jie and i walked around the pharmacy.

we were joking that if we exacerbated the symptoms,
it would be easier for the doctor to diagnose me.
and yeah,
i got more breathless.
eventually we went to sit at the waiting area,
i was almost done with Les Miserables when it was my turn.
We got a chit, and were directed to wait for a doctor to attend to us.

The waiting here was torture.
It was sooooo long.
Around 2 hours, i suppose.
I finished Les Miserables, and cried like a wuss
when XXX died.
OMG.
Mega spoiler. But ahhhhh
I was crying like a baby.
It was a very VERY good book.

Then after a while,
the nursing home people started to filter in.
They were quite amusing to watch
most of them had identity issues.
Stuck in the past,
a few were probably autistic.
If i had completed my BA Psych,
I would probably know what was wrong with them.

then we (da jie and i) took turns drinking water from the dispenser
with the little conical paper cups.
And i went to the toilet.
Clean. Good.
Then eventually a doctor which wasn't assigned to us called our number.
Most exciting event of that morning thus far.

He checked my breathing and stuff,
and sent me for an X-ray.
First of the many.
I had to go down to the X-ray lab area,
and another round of waiting.
I signed a form saying that i wasn't pregnant,
and signed it again later.
A lady commented
"Even if you are only 10 years old,
they would still make you sign it
cause you're a girl."
LOL.
but then again, true.
Its the protocol thing that SG loves to do.
Like how the Nazis committed genocide cause it was just protocol to them.
Oh well.
Its not like they're bad people at heart.
Its just Hitler.
But i'm veering off the point.

So I took the standing chest X-ray.
I think it was the best one i took.
posed well.
I was surprised it was so fast.
and i could feel the pressure on me when the ray zapped me.
and the slight tingly after-effect feeling.
pretty cool.

Oh yes, i had to change into the gown top.
take off my shirt and bra.
haha.

Then once that was done,
I changed back,
and we were sent back to wait for the doctor to attend to us
AGAIN.
haha.
we were both getting thoroughly sick of that place

then suddenly the doctor poked his head out and anxiously called my name wrongly.
(that was after a good while of waiting.
we were nearly bored to death.
I wonder if that actually happens.
Anyway.)
I was so excited, I jumped up
and dragged Da Jie into the room.
YAY FOR ILLNESS!
on me, at least. not on others.
He reviewed the X-ray,
and concluded i was a pneumothorax!!

Da Jie and I were totally shocked.

The running joke between us earlier was that
"Imagine if you got a pneumothorax from
doing SITUPS and PLANK.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

The joke now was that i REALLY got it.
O_O!
Da jie in her worry asked redundant/irrelevant questions to the doctor
who in his shocked state replied seriously.
In hindsight it was actually quite funny too.
I also stupidly asked if I could stay at home,
wondering if it would go away on its own.
(It would have, but at a much much slower rate,
and maybe with added complications.
So yes, it was a stupid question.)

So i was given a reccomendation to go to TTSH A&E,
and was ordered to receive treatment within the day.
The irony of it all was that there were queues of people outside who looked genuinely sick, but i was the one with the A&E referral, and i was still healthy enough to be walking around and kidding and making bad jokes. I even could pay for my Polyclinic visit and correct the clerk when she said 'Remember to go for your appointment, ah'; and smartly reply (with Da Jie, as usual) 'There's no appointment, its A&E - today.'
Its not exact, but the effect was there.
It was quite amazing,
if i say so myself.
Then we started wondering:
A&E now or later?
cab or train?

In the end we decided to take bus back,
but my breathlessness was worse,
but i played it down,
so Da Jie cooked minced meat soba for lunch.
I just took soup, cause i wasn't hungry.
But i did have a few strands of soba.
Then somewhere along the way,
Dajie had a brainwave,
and decided to call Jason to fetch us.
I was quite guilty, actually.
Bothering other people with my illness...
but dajie wanted to do it,
so what could i say?

Jason thought it was a genuine A&E case
and panicked, i think.
but when he came over,
we were like slacking around and stuff.
oh yes.

we thought i would get warded,
so we decided to pack for a holiday.
in the end it was just minor surgery,
observation,
and send home.
no warding at all.
how disappointing.
but they were short of beds,
and i seemed happy enough.
so what the heck..
haha.
send the sick patient home.

So after all was eaten and cleared and packed for the journey,
(this sounds like The Hobbit)
we took Jason's car, with Ignatius too!
He dropped Ignatius home,
and dropped us at the A&E bay at TTSH,
and went off.
nice guy.
I felt so guilty.
did i mention that earlier?
i think i did.


i'll continue this another time.
its not like i'll be forgetting it so quickly, anyway.

Dear Mr. Debonair,

If you do not steal my heart now,
I am afraid
that another may steal mine from me.
I have been waiting for you,
but it seems that you will never take any action.

Is my waiting in vain?
This inner turmoil for nought?
Am I deceived in my love for you?

Perhaps I may not seem genteel enough for you.
Perhaps you have caught me in a moment of embarrassment.
Perhaps I have been changed in your eyes.
To that of a lower status.

"Too crass.
Crude.
Unrefined.
Obtuse.
Asinine."

Is that what you think of me?

But still.
My heart beats for you.
Your name makes me warm.
Your voice gives me thrills of delight.

Yet you pass by unaware.
Be aware!
Be aware of this hold you have over me.
For I am choking in your invisible grasp.

And now others have come,
and loosened your grip.
That I may step out of the palm of your hand.

But still, it happens unwillingly.
Like the wind that tugs on the autumn leaf,
not wishing to be parted from its life-giving branch,
so do I not want to part with my love for you.

But oh, you are making it so difficult for me!

I wish not for the day to come
when I no longer hold any more feelings for you,
other than platonic love.


Yours truly,

stop doing that.
don't you know you're killing me inside?
just because i don't get angry
doesn't mean that i'm not getting hurt.
just because i don't burst out
doesn't mean that you can keep on saying those spiteful words.
don't you know that as your child
i can't just simply brush off your words?
it stays inside,
lingering,
hurting,
and you still dare to say that i'm the one hurting you.

oh mom,
you really don't know what you're doing to me sometimes.

had terrible sorethroat
which developed into flu
then sneezing fits
then fever
not forgetting the really runny runny nose
and phlegm
then cough
then pimples

now its mostly okay

except for the cough
it feels like theres a lump in my throat
i can't swallow saliva properly
there is a nagging pain all the time
when i rub the skin on my throat it hurts too
when i cough, i have the impression
i'm tearing something in my throat.

on a slightly positive note,
my phlegm has cleared
somewhat
^^

gosh i wish my throat would heal.
gonna sleep early.
after my essay.
no msn.
too distracting.

This weekend was really hectic,
albeit one of the most fun weekends i've had
in Singapore.

Thursday.
(though its not the weekend)
Leong Hwee's presentation
Spent time at adoration room
Intercessory prayers
Chitchat with Rena, Jason and Daryl^^afterward until late.

Friday.
School - NTR
Outing - wine & cointreau & bottles shopping
Made Peach Syrup
Mass & Stations of the Cross
Meeting afterwards for lenten programme

Saturday.
Created skeleton for lent programme
Made Sunday's event
Dawn's birthday!!! <3
got really high.
was quite scared..

made quite a few cocktails.
drank quite a few too.
4-5?
cosmo
hairy navel
peach something
random something
Leong Hwee's milo mix -_-
came home late

Sunday.
Church, lent programme. Success!
Played frisbee. ^^
Went to popo's place.
Missed my Brit Council thing.
hopefully they'll just mail it to me.

really really tired now.

i think i won't be able to walk tomorrow.
the alcohol made me super resonant.
i was so head-voicey today! <3
but i can't drink too much.
liver probs.
egh.

oh wells, its lent after all.
and i SHOULD take care of my body.
gnitey!

thinking of ___ makes me so happy.

i'm such a slimy person.
metaphorically,
physically.
ugh.

eating at macs gave me a stomachache
as usual.
whats surprising anymore?

now i'm over with it,
i should make firm my resolution
and have a fulfilling lent.

i'm getting fat.
27.5% fat.
sigh.
creeping into the mildly obese range.
perhaps i should include exercise as a form of lenten sacrifice?

will be doing planning with leonard later.
i'll just bear in mind all that i've read.
the warden's booklet,
leonard's magnificat booklet,
Daryl's suggestions,
1. normal reflection session
2. music reflection session
3. lenten resolution project.
hurm ^^
sometimes he makes me so happy.
its so easy to talk,
so hard to do.
so hard to follow God
so easy to forget our dues.

random kinky thoughts that i can't say on facebook.
i think blogger is more permanent than fb.
too bad this doesn't apply to ___. haha.

on a side note, i'm getting really fat.
gah.
time for more exercises.
i've been getting lazy since school started.

Da jie's 21 today.
Had a huuuuge turnout for her birthday party.
I initially was peeved at aunty Sandra &family.
Eventually realised its dad's cockup
so nvm.
but still...
hais.

STAC folks are the best company.
haha.
Clement and the Lee guys were really obliging too.
the teble leg bending was so funny.
though i did expect it to happen.

Helium breathing was fun
though i felt bad that Da Jie was kinda
forcing Daryl to breathe it so much.
i mean
she knew what its like to be breathless
and she's still doing that kinda stuff..
sigh.
in the personality, i guess.
i hope the poor guy's okay.

Teaching MeiRui was fun as usual.
She's leaving this friday.
I'm somehow kinda hoping we'll keep in touch.
haha.

I'll have to take over Winowa soon.
hmm.

Let's think about that later.

Exam week, starting tomorrow.
And i haven't touched my books this weekend.
why am i even blogging???
ah shit.

i was so dead tired.
but once i started writing
the stuff keeps on unravelling like a loose thread.
now i'm not that sleepy anymore.
i'll read a bit more and sleep then, i suppose.
i'm feeling really really unprepared
for Philo.
shit.
shit.
i'll read it tomorrow.

Classification essay outline also due tomorrow.
i'll do it in the com lab.

Psy research.
reading now.
i'll revise more tomorrow on the bus.
check out my textbook too.

woaw woaw.
info overload.
i'll process it slowly.

psy's about done.
Philo tomorrow.
I'll do abit of outline now.
when i'm tired enough i'll go sleep.
nights.

Passed pretty uneventfully
Went for a so called
'group-date'
with classmates
who otherwise had no dates
for a V-day movie
No Strings Attached

Reminded me of a piece of online fiction
i used to read
its that mainstream

it was funny, and interesting though
i liked the characters,
though they were cliche

had to run home after the movie
collect materials from jason
who was late
and also cause
belicia called and told me mom was
worried and angry and bla bla

turns out she wasn't really.

oh well.
she was talking to PJ about his marriage.

hehe

marriage, yes

and so she got caught up and didn't really care about me
until i reminded her

but it turned out pretty okay.

So i suppose Valentines was pretty okay, too.
the ticket cost $8.50 though
ex. <_>
but i guess thats the price to pay
for v-day


oh yes
cookie reception was pretty poor.
they said it was too sweet
when it wasn't
i think they are just
unaccustomed to the smell of roses

faggots.

haha jkjk.
but i like the smell of roses.
i can't imagine how they don't like it.

feh.
quite disappointed.
the crunchy sugar bits don't even taste that sweet.
icing sugar would taste sweeter.
coke tastes SOOOOO much sweeter.
so how can it be considered too sweet??
ok i'll end it here.
don't want to get emo.

sigh.

Hello, Mr Debonair.
you look at me
you do not care.

I have been waiting,
I will wait.
I hope you will soon
take my bait.

I won't approach
for I don't dare.

But then again

Do you care?

fear
that i have soured a relationship i do not wish to sour...
fear
that elusively, it will slip out of my grasp...
fear
that my dream is on the verge of shattering...

Angel, oh, speak!
What endless longings echo in this whisper...

thats a modification of Sheldon's line, btw.
i know its not gravity
but imo, life's worse.

i'm getting pulled around by factors in my life
on one hand i would love to do this
on the other hand, people rationalise and tell me not to
and since i have always been known as a rational person
i have to heed the rational advice
which may not be what i want.

left
right
left
right

i'm running like a mad dog in circles.

back
forth
back
forth

heart vs mind
its a cruel battle.
money and time
make me a sorrier person than i should be




if only i had the leisure to do what i want

Chicago(2002) owns. hands down.

Burlesque tries to be sexy,
but keeps flipping back to daily life scenes
and in the end,
they even try to teach us about
love.
wow? seriously? from a burlesque movie?
kid me not, man.
so whats it actually about?
the plot is so spasmodic,
even I, a person who doesn't give shit about plot
finds it queer.
and this is one of the rare few movies
that didn't make me shed any tears.
considering its supposed to be a
love(???) story,
thats really terrible.
and w.r.t. Ivan's comment that 'its okay, its PG '
yeah its really PG.
i didn't get warm or well,
excited at much.
in fact, it was more like gymnastics
in skimpy clothing,
with chairs.
(the only part that had me drawn into the movie was when
she was falling for the wrong guy
and there was some conflict and resolution going on)

on the plus side,
the actors and actresses were really good, imo
the club owner, the gay guy, the bartender, the bitchy girl, even the doorman
all played their roles really well.
however, the lead girl, imo kinda failed.
cause she has the rocker voice,
and the scene is a sexy, striptease kinda club.
so it should be more the
buttery, meltingly-honeyed,
sexy and seductive, mesmerising
kind of voice.
also, she had to perform
so many different roles,
from the girl without a mother (which wasn't elaborated on)
to the hardworking country girl (which i felt she did best)
to the sexy dancer (which was very abrupt)
to the lovelorn lass (which was okay, i suppose)
that while her character had breadth,
it was too shallowly developed on.

oh yes, this brings me to the aspect of music.
THEY USED POP MUSIC?!
wth thats just wrong.
its like spreading ketchup and jam on the same piece of bread.
ugh!
burlesque is not NOT NOTT suitable with pop/rock.
they were like clubbing on the stage, when she did her rock act.
what? thats not burlesque!
but they could only do that cause the music was in that direction.
its like
what else can you dance to pop/rock except
clubbing moves?
so epic fail.

so to get rid of this bad aftertaste,
i'll now be going back to watch Chicago
again, with
all that jazz :)

its late, but i got my braces off yesterday
also collected my student card at SIM
somehow ~ met up with me to go collect it
and i ended up waiting 1/2 an hour for him to arrive
spent it touring the campus
SIM seems small but cozy
i like the place

eating kor's left over onion soup boiled with egg and macaroni for lunch
is giving me weird stomach gurgles
=_=; ugh

in any case,
i hope ~ doesn't like me
cause i already like _____

orientation was good, but boring.
my orientation pals were decent and nice
my 2 OGLs were fantastic
i felt the water games and balloon games were the best
the waka waka dance was awesome, too.
i'll keep my heart for you

The Lion King
and
Tarzan

my goodness,
it sure brings back memories.
especially
The Lion King for me

aah~

(romance, romance, romance...)

those soundtracks, especially.
<3

You'll be in my heart
Can you feel the love tonight
Circle of life
&etc.

my goodness
all those warm
fuzzy
feelings.
~~

sometimes,
when i think about myself,
i feel that i'm such a despicable person.
i pretend to be someone on the outside
while i'm actually
different
i've hidden so many things
even from my family
even from 大姐

it makes me wonder if i'm unworthy after all.

smsed MeiRui and Angel's mom today
'when should i start?'
got the same response:
'i'll let you know'

YES.

my life is mine again.

<3

20-12-2010 11:50pm

^^

i'm really starting to love the choir.
can't say i didn't love it before,
but now i'm getting attached to people.
As individuals.
i've never liked personal attachment -
it makes the leaving all the harder to deal with -
but somehow, just because i was
bored, curious
and wanted to spend my holidays with decent company,
these roots
took...
root.
aah.
agh.
is this called growing?
this knowledge that you are now part of someone else's life and vice versa
this responsibility over that small amount of authority you now wield in that other person
it makes me happy yet...
nervous?
anxious?
worried?

Today's kareoke was a deja vu i distinctly remembered.
the seating positions, the seats themselves
and the checkered diamonds which changed their fluorescent colours.
but it was in a really old dream.
I don't know why but it clicked together in my head.
Primary school?
Man,
life sure is full of surprises.

And i think i'm getting sick of love songs.
romantic movies, comedies, drama,
the lot of em.
Everytime i see couples,
i wish i were in a relationship too.
its the paradox,
the self-defeating argument of enduring, you know.
like internet and porn (but thats different, too)
its like: 'I want ____! I want to be ____'s!'
But i can't just simply saunter up and say it.
Heh.
life's not so easy.
i wish someone would push us together or something.
catalyst it.
cause i won't have (don't have) the guts to do it.
and i'm too afraid to deal with the reponsibility of something so huge.
someone.
actually, no.
i have thought of various situations, scenarios that might happen
and planned reactions.
which is queer. scary. freaky. stalker-ish.
but thats part of falling in love, innit?
i'm so hopelessly sucked in by this undercurrent,
i think the only way out
is to just plunge in
and let it sweep you away.
which is why all those romance-themed stuff isn't helping.
its like trying to walk through a wall.
the urge to walk being
me, my hormones and all that external stimuli (media);
and the wall being
a bigger, more world conscious me.
Feh.
Life's unfair.

Its now 12:17, 31st Dec 2010.
Last day of the year.
Should i grab this opportunity,
or is it just a
drowning man's desperate grab at straws?
Haha.
____.
Reciprocate, please!
囧

s/n: when i see hot/cute girls/guys i start to feel horny.
ss/n: additionally, when i think of ____ i have the same reaction lols.

Huu~
Gnite all! Spend the last day of your year fruitfully! <3

this week has been a good week.
a really really good week.

25th - Midnight mass, STAC, Choongs
26th - Lees, Boxing Day
27th - STAC wedding dinner ;D
28th - STAC prac, lunch &etc.
29th - break, avatar (airbender), big bang theory
(tmr!) 30th - STAC picnic &etc.
31th - STAC event, new years countdown
1st - New Years Day

So many opportunities xD Great company

s/n: big bang theory is awesome. leonard, sheldon, raj, pervy guy, and penny. awesome.

on a side note,
i got my period today,
so that explains the insomnia.

can't say i didn't like it, though.

http://fulllyricseng.wordpress.com/2009/10/24/shinee-jo-jo-lyric/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N03fmXx81RQ

Hm i'm such a romantic.
Its been over a year now.
Can i still call this a crush?
Sometimes i do silly things in a
desperate attempt to impress
and
fail miserably.
ahaha.

shucks man.
i should stop being lame.

Should I
or should i not
try to fight on?

As i quote Macbeth:
"Nothing is
but what is not"

You know it when you sin, and
you know it when you've used another person to sin.
As an excuse to sin.
A pathetic, foolish way of trying to justify your sin.

It always starts with
'I want to try it'
and the thought over time
consumes your mind,
repeating itself like the shrilling of the evening cicadas
drilling into your very being
until it becomes
'I must try it'

But you know you shouldn't.

So you tell yourself:
I will endure it,
I will not sin.

But with all endurance games,
you know there is a limit to your endurance.
Like an addict with the needle poised above the vein
it is only time, until it plunges in.
Telling yourself to endure is just a lie.

Its just a cheap way to heighten the pleasure when you do it.
For that fleeting moment of thrill and sensation,
You step back into that dark world
which tells you 'its okay,
everyone does it anyway'
And you seek comfort in its lies
knowing full well that it is, in its entirety
just a lie
to trick the foolish

But,
foolish me.
i fall again and again.
And to use the one i love as a shield now,
an excuse, a reason to sin...
how much lower can i degrade myself?

i just realised how little i actually dream.
my dreams (whatever little i dream of) are small,
negligible,
and have pretty much no long-term impact
(except maybe to create regret.)

dammit.
why.

why can't i think greater,
dream greater,
be greater.

made a new password for my TrueCrypt file and forgot it
ended up deleting my whole collection of videos, music and manga

life goes on.

TY: Good morning everyone. Today, we are going to tell you more about our restaurant, BiteABit. The aim of this presentation is to set up our own fast food outlet which will be serving all kinds of finger food that is Brazillian, Singaporean or a fusion of both.

J: the target age group we planned for are teenagers families and hungry office workers. why did we choose this? we chose this because we felt that these age groups will be the ones who will be willing to spend more and thus increasing our revenue.

S: the ambience we would like to have will be a hip and cool place for teenagers to hang out at but also family friendly so as to not make it so awkward.

B:the location we decided on is: Central. why? because it is central, as in it is near the heart of Singapore and is easily accessible to all. you can take the public bus or the MRT. if it is convenient, u may even take the shuttle buses provided. if u really cant seem to get to Central you may just opt for a taxi ride yea? it is also near the CBD central business district so we hope to catch the office workers crowd.

E: the operating hours on weekdays are from 11am to 10pm and on weekends 10.30am to 9.30pm. we have divided the time slots into two so as to ensure the health and well-being of our staff.

J:this is our table setting. we provide the cup with a lid so as to encourage our customers to takeaway their unfinished drink to not waste it as we also try to promote recycling and going green in our restaurant scheme.

E:these are some of the recipes we have chosen: salt cod fritters, baked rather than deep fried. grilled sausages. and pastel frito. these are some other recipes we have considered.

TY: this is our menu card which is still undergoing some changes as there is room for improvement. its tentative.

B:these are some images that we would like to incorporate into our restaurant layout. we would like to have our restaurant seating like a bar top counter because we think that it will impress customers with our service and preparation skills. these are some brazilian bohemian-inspired pictures that we plan to put in our restaurant. we would put some rounded lounge chairs so as to make the customers feel cozier and allow more interaction to take place.

S: our job scope will be to hire 1-2 cleaners, 6 service staff, 3-4 kitchen staff. the salary will be 5.50 per h. pay will be increased through performance of staff.

B: work allocation. read from screen.

haha i know its lame but i'm in the mood today

was reading back on old posts.

realised that its been almost a year since _____ happened

16 months - 1 year and 4 months since we released Quan

1/2 a year since i got my JOY (and i've lost it already)

1 year since i got my headphones

2 months since YOG and less than a month since i played at Universal

2 years and 4 months since Mamby and Pamby flew

almost 3 years since we went to Japan

and i blogged about tonnes of crap. haha.

and i think i might have some sliver of an ability to write poetry. haha

okay okay thats enough for this double post. gotta cook lunch.
i'm so full of shit man.

Haven't blogged in quite a while, eh.

Life's been busy.
Not much time for pixelated interaction.

Actually, the main computer stuff i do these days
or rather, used to do
was Maple

cause of the Catch-the-Alien event
pretty fun
awesome levelling capability.

but now its over
so i'm kinda jaded.
nothing much to do in maple now.
just waiting for the next round of events.

belicia's dead ill
i don't know why she keeps dragging herself to school..
oh yeah - exams.
bloody education system

and she keeps lashing out at us
sometimes i feel like pouring a bottle of alkaline solution on her
too acidic.
just shutup and go sleep, dammit
and stop making demands.
at least
request

bleh

haven't touched facebook in a while

so while i thought my birthday was overlooked by many people
apparently,
everyone did their wishing on facebook
so i passed a gloomy birthday without any good reason.

social networking means so much these days, eh.

my life is getting sucked up by my tutees
my schedule is theirs to play with
my time isn't mine.
except for the mornings
and the late nights
(which i should actually spend sleeping
since teaching is a tiring activity.

be grateful to your teachers, dammit!)

yesterday i spent my evening reading
the literary analysis of
"Lolita"
yeah its always been sorta a fantasy of mine
to read the book
but the style kinda turns me off
so the analysis helped in simplifying it.

Maybe one day i'll actually get down to reading the book.

But i loved the whole idea of it.
Maybe i'm psychotic or something.

Oh well.
I'll be off to top up mom's @cash
since i bought stuff in maple using hers

Then i'll be cooking and washing.
Its a typical cycle these days:

Wake, eat, wash clothes*, computer, cook lunch, wash dishes, change, smidgen of computer,
travel off to lessons, lessons, more lessons, travel back home, dinner, shower, computer*, sleep

*If any


note: i'm still dreaming of romance. not the asleep type of dreaming. haha. childish whims.

have been wanting to listen to good music
so i went to download ghibli osts via torrent
the classics
Howls Moving Castle
Spirited Away
Princess Mononoke
then along the way
i somehow started to download the movies as well

Porco Rosso is fantastic
although some may call it old-school

Kikis Delivery Service is cute
more for the kids to teens age group
it was meaningful
but it didn't make me lean back and go
'Ah...'
at the end
although it had a couple of
tearjerking moments
i guess its cause i can empathize with her situation
kinda mirrors what i'm going through now

Porco was more epic
and all-rounded, i guess
it had elements of romance
especially the ending
which gave it a bittersweet feel
it also had the family moments with Porco and ___
and the start made me laugh so much
really a great show
superb character development too, imo

yeah okay thats it for now.

for future reference
www.89890.com (annoying music)
http://www.17kkmh.com/
http://dm.99manga.com/ (annoying ads)
99comic.com
http://www.imanhua.com/

kamisama hajimemashta
the world god only knows (reccomended)
Akuma ga Halleluya
ghost only
himegimi no tsukurikata
MC Law
Penguin Prince

shit onemangas being taken down.
noooooooooooooooooooo!!!
looks like i'll have to be heading over to 99comic.com
or some other chinese website soon...
crap...
i really loved onemanga.

fantastic movie.
right down my alley.
thats what all movies should be like.
gosh i already want to watch it again.
the ants are feasting on my movie snack crumbs.
now the next movie on my list is 'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels'.
Familiar name, innit?
but them again maybe not, cause i'm still enjoying The Italian Job.
loved all those cars and guns and all that running around.
the antagonist also did a great job getting me to hate him. heh.
loved the expression on his face at the end.
loved Skinny Pete. the thought of him still makes me snort with laughter.
there were quite a few bloody obvious factual and continuity mistakes, but for the fun of it all, and the great overall viewing experience, i'll overlook them. heh.
(one damn obvious one is the car damage, for example. i bet it was an advertising scheme for the Minis. though i have to admit they are ridiculously cute, zipping around town like that.)

heh.
all these thanks to PPStream.
Kinda forced me to buck up my chinese
(since its a proudly Made in PRC software)
but oh what the heck.
its a damn good piece of software.

managed to watch some FMA also.

and did i mention that Fullmetal Alchemist is pretty much the darned best manga ever? The movie sucks, relatively, with the lame utopia plot and shoddy ending. I'd much rather rewatch the anime series. (Which PPStream has, in its entirety, in high res and smooth bufferring. awesome stuff.) The manga is (finally) complete too. Very very worth reading. 100% recommended.

and thanks to that wheelman in The Italian Job (Handsome Rob?), with his damn sexy British accent, and his fantastic boat driving(?) skills, i'm suddenly in the mood to speak brit. And gosh i love that girls clothing. Stella. hot stuff. Stella+mini=roadrage haha. pretty, though. loved the 'ham and cheese' quote. heh.

you're living the dream I couldn't live
with joys I couldn't have
now all I have left
is envy
and
regret.

I also have quite a deal of bitterness but everyone thinks that's just childish.
it is, I'm not denying it.
but everyone should be given a chance to experience an array of emotions.
we're humans, not robots. see?

you're living the dream I couldn't live
with joys I couldn't have
now all I have left
is envy
and
regret.

I also have quite a deal of bitterness but everyone thinks that's just childish.
it is, I'm not denying it.
but everyone should be given a chance to experience an array of emotions.
we're humans, not robots. see?

after Angel decided to suspend her lessons
(i suspect she won't resume, but thats another matter,)
i've suddenly realised the amount of leisure time i have
in the mornings.

so being the foolish teenager that i am
(though not for long, unfortunately,)
i started to read manga.
again.
like crazy.
again.

yes. repeated cycles like how ex-druggies
are always tempted to go back to drugs.
just that mine doesn't directly harm my health
(except under certain circumstances)
so yeah. bad habits die hard.

some of the stuff i have read
i can't list here.
heh heh.
but the rest, i'll list, and i'll add to the list
on the misc page later.

also, Dr. Koto Shinryoujo is a great drama.
might as well list the couple of dramas i watched.

Dramas:
Nodame Cantabile (music, comedy, romance)
Nobuta wo Produce (school life, prejudices, romance)
Dr. Koto Shinryoujo (medicine, life, slight bit of romance)

Mangas:
Jyuki Ningen Jumbor (mecha, action)
WANTED (pirates, romance) [yes, pirates are my sucker category]
Absolute Boyfriend / Zettai Kareshi (romance, romance..)
Black Bird (supernatural, romance, action) [another sucker category xD]
Ushio and Tora (supernatural, action&adventure, comedy)
Baby, Please Kill Me (kids, comedy, action) [interesting format, and nowhere near as violent as the title suggests]

probably a few more, but i can't be bothered to dig up the titles.
read them if you're free! :D
(or watch them in the case of the dramas)

one month of accidental GPRS usage chalked up to $130 of payment.
shit man. thats a pretty damn huge chunk of my salary. arghhhhh. frk. dammit.
lesson = never on phone and wifi at the same time. use either phone, OR wifi.
always off one. thats mom's good advice. after $130. sahfkwwfsbsgkfl.

Tuition is so tiring.
but its also quite rewarding, in its own way.
watching Alicia grow from a 2/10 kid to a constant 10/10
is one of the best things that have ever happened in my life.
i think being able to witness Ashton learn to speak
is also a great blessing, too.

Hopefully I can work my
'magic'
with Mei Rui, Jia Nan and Angel.

the '' cause technically its not magic,
its just God playing his part,
working his ways with them.

I don't think i'm a genius teacher;
i just think i'm sincere, diligent (in the sense that i try to tailor lessons to each student), and not out for the money that the industry can demand ($12.5 instead of $15 or 18. $15 instead of $20 etc).
so God has space to work his 'magic'.

i spend so much of my time thinking about my students
and planning lessons to cater to their learning styles
i actually don't have that much time to indulge in stuff i usually do.

perhaps thats good.
it means i have found like a sort of a
focus
in life.

hurm.

today's cycling was also fun, though i didn't really cycle fast.
couldn't, actually.
proves my fitness levels, eh.
haha. embarrassing.
its nice to interact with people, anyway.

I was really surprised this morning
when I looked in the mirror
(already a rare occurrence)
and noticed that my 黑眼圈
had visibly diminished!

I knew that's what the product claimed
but I wasn't banking on it to really work.
it was more of a 'spend-my-first-pay-on-something-I-like-but-normally-won't-buy-coz-its-too-ex' kinda thing.
but it worked!
pretty amazing stuff.



on a side note I just dropped my phone off the table and it bounced on 2 of its corners and the back cover flew off (coz I took off the condom) and its still perfectly okay.
equally amazing in its own right.

after I got my little joy,
I started to listen to most of my music on my phone.
not forgetting to mention that my little Philips player had also suffered a fatal fall previously.
so now I have to use the cheap earbuds provided
cause they don't have the decency to provide a 3.5mm jack.
and now I'm suffering from a lack of bass.
they also auto emphasize the leads by a ridiculous degree.
I mean, if I was a mainstream pop listener
I would definitely appreciate it.
BUT
pop songs are the minority on my playlist.

SO.
I'M MISSING MY BASS
aah.

did I mention that I miss the bass beats in my music? Yes?
its okay, I'll say it again:
I'm quite definitely suffering bass deficiency.
I'll need to include more bass in my lifestyle or I'll start to exhibit curious side-effects. symptoms. whatever. you get my drift.
gosh I miss my headphones.
headphones headphones
BASS.
aah.

(>Φ_Φ<)~*°

its long overdue but I'll just make a few commemorative comments.
(and yes, I absolutely adore alliteration)
was really glad that pretty much everyone liked the chicks. it took freaking a lot of effort to make.
I was hoping that the faces would be cuter tho. with all the loose thread and stuff. was disappointed that the pampers became loose so quickly too. in the end I had to resort to glueing on the pampers to ensure that they would last.
dad requested that I make another batch for next year. mom told me to make a variation. size, colour, design, I'll think of something. then the choir members would get like a limited edition collection of Easter chicks. wee! 8D
also was really pleased at Leonard's response as well as ______'s response. its a pity that Leonard could extract favours from me whereas ______ didn't try. I mean I'm such a total pushover! if you'll ask I'll never say no. but then again it was a self-serve kinda thing so anything could have happened. hurm.
yep. call me shallow but it was mainly the chicks I wanted to blog about this Easter. hehe. the first in the collection. brown chicks and cream shells. I think I'll add some photos later.

i just found out after a bit of research,
my japanese name would be
Kane Kinniji
It even alliterates.
lol.
but it doesn't sound too good imo
i mean, kane?
money?
kin?
gold?
egh~
but as a word,
kinniji sounds pretty cute tho.

like some little animal name
or something.
but this isn't the true name la

the real response would come soon, i hope.

if it turns out the same i'd be quite surprised.


Still have more to post about easter, but that can wait i guess.

once easter is over its so easy to slip back into sin.
the temptations will always be there
and the reasons for resolution are wavering as the season passes.

perhaps i sound shallow.
i should always have a reason not to succumb to sin, being the christian i am.
but humans are logical, crowd following, and mostly fallible creatures.
and i am not much different,
except that i have God to turn to.

thats why i am publishing this post,
trying my best, weak little human that i am,
to maintain my easter frame of mind,
and not succumb to the delicious temptations dangling in front of me,
waiting to strike me maliciously out of this newly refound eden.

with perseverence and grace,
lets keep a firm hold of this easter feeling and make it last.

totally worth reading.
had me laughing insanely
banging my head
(thats a first, i was never compelled enough to do that before)
sniggering like crazy
laughing out loud, at times
fangirling like an idiot
(over a ridiculously handsome blood-drenched drool-worthy bishounen tranny elf.)

loved the game/reality idea
its like the .hack series
just that this is more fanservice-ey
wheras .hack is more epic. hardcore, in a sense.
love the art.

i'll be looking forward to the next chapter release.
hearts!!

love prince. pity they didn't feature wolf-nii as much recently. i liked him quite a deal too. i like the arabian prince too *u* kenshin is such a total rip-off, but coz this is a game-based after all, i guess anything goes. haha. this author has some crazy good ideas. hearts.

you know sometimes I think I think too much.
I suppose people do encounter these kind of ideas once a while.

but after confession last Thursday I decided that I would refrain from over-analysing things
and over thinking situations
to preserve my sanity of thought.
and innocence
(though I suppose lost innocence can never be truly regained)

so I won't harp on the matter any more.
the yoke has been lifted,
lets not re-burden ourselves on past problems
;)

Saturday's lenten session was fantastic too.
I guess when I did it in J1
I felt pretty carefree and thought that everything was still manageable by the little me.
how wrong I was.
after everything took that crazy plunge down the
metaphorical rabbit-hole
I realised
(perhaps a little too late -
much too late)
that God reciprocates efforts.
no effort, no reward;
despite all the amount of prayer and faith.

remember the parable of the talents?
I do need to apply it more in school work.
I need to grow from my past self.
become a changed person.
change my attitude towards schooling.
change my attitude towards work.
perhaps, even change my attitude towards choir.
gather my verve, courage.
and take things just that bit more seriously.
be involved beyond just fulfilling basic duties.
score more than just the passing mark.
do more than just the minimum.

living is only once a lifetime
why choose death and condemn yourself even before you try life?
put yourself on the edge.
stop hiding in the shadows like a scoundrel thief.
its now time to
LIVE

This years lent has been quite bad.
Bad cause I've been indulging way too much.
Sigh
yarn and needles and stuff.
Beaded thread and cards and snacks.
Thoughts, even.
What's probably most sad is that
I didn't reflect much.
feel so shallow now.
2010 has been a poor lent.
Let's hope next years is better.
Let's make it better.

with thanks to belly-sia:

i say puttu you say mayam -
puttu!
(mayam!)
puttu!
(mayam!)

i say belly you say button -
belly!
(button!)
belly!
(button!)

i say tea you say pot
tea!
(pot!)
tea!
(pot!)

woaaaaahh~ YEAH!!
[remember the actions!]

I just got 93 spanking brand new books.
WOOHOO
@u@
*u*

albeit they are eBooks
so i guess 'fresh off the internet'
may not exactly qualify as
'spanking new'

but oh what the heck
93 books!!
NINETY-THREE.

pheeeeeeeee-ew~~!

this makes me almost as happy as fantasizing about *cough*
never mind.
i'm happy enough anyway.

SO MANY CLASSICS!!!
WEEEEEEE!!
i can't help spamming caps now

ITS JUST TOO EXCITING!!!

plays and poetry and supernatural and fairy tales and weeeeeeeeeee!!
yeah my brain is in quite a bit of trauma right now.
the happy, ecstasy-laced kind.
foo wee!
shalalalalalala!

xD

lets just hope its compatible with my little bundle of JOY.
xD

mikumikumikuniku! 8D

i need to finish my chicks
if not i'll be cocking up my easter.

haha.
just needed to crack that lame joke(s).

gnite sleep early
sweet dreams ;)

help out more in choir
but when all the computer i can have access to after 1030 is windows mobile on my handphone
its pretty hopeless
sigh

there are also more things i hope for
but overmentioning it will just make it bland.

my mom threw away my spotlight voucher.
or rather, she recycled it by stuffing it into the newspaper stack
and sold it off to the garang-guni.
for like what - $0.005 more?
TOOTHPICKS.

i was SO keeping it!!
I have NO idea why she NEVER hears me out
and is always SO insistent on
THROWING
EVERY
BLOODY
THING
AWAY
so long its lying around the house.
especially MY stuff.

I WANTED IT FOR THE EASTER TOYSSSSSSS!
ARGH!
SPORFFFFFF.
FARRRRR
RAKKKKKKE

SO PISSED.

I keep thinking of him him him
its driving me crazy
every other moment
those random incoherent thoughts

the love object

how curiously apt/inept
dumb hormones
EGH

I wish I could wake up from this crazy rose-tinted dream
cause I can't bear if it were to fade,
or worse:
crumble back into an unforgivingly
realistic
situation.

I'm such a hopeless romantic, aren't i?
to choose the less satisfying route
just so to harbour these
thoughts and
feelings,
never daring to seek reciprocation

sigh

First, i've been doing alot of reading.
Borrowing and reading like a
book-whore
or whatever you'd call it
from Brit Council
(Brits are cool. HFDYA?)
Re-read The Hobbit by Tolkien,
The Various, The Greylands, The... &etc.
mainly children books but thats the genre I like anyway.
So thats where the title's from.

Also, today i'd just made a waste of time
by going down to my tutee's house
AT THE WRONG TIME.
ahaha! ~x_x
It was an evening class
but the messed up me
(messed up by my bloody A-level results
messed up by the unrequited attempted romance in my life
messed up by the messy state of things in the house
messed up by mom's lecture of me being messy
[which i wholly disagree to. I do have a sense of orderliness. Its just different from yours.]
&etc.)
went at bloody 2pm instead.
haha.
(its not the cute embarrassed kind of 'haha' -
its the slightly embittered,
shit-what-has-gone-wrong-with-my-life
kind of 'haha'.
The cynical, dry kind of laughter,
with eyes slightly closed.
Tired sounding laugh,
echoing with dissapointment.
Dissapointment at self,
knowing that I could well have done better,
but what the hell, I just had to forget, and
Screw things up.)
(If you'd prefer a cute, genuine laugh,
refer to the first haha)

In any case, i've been laughing
the sad humourless laugh
too many times
these past few days.
Its exhausting me.
Everyone tells me
'its not too bad,
life goes on,
there are other options,
&etc'
Its almost a perfect litany.
I mean,
do you think i'm really
UNAWARE?
ARGH.
lets just move on.
Emotions are tiring.
And i'm already tired.

This part stems from the unrequited attempted romance.
ref. my earlier post,
"An ill entertained mind is a dangerous mind"
Being so free after my As,
I allowed my mind to roam in any direction it fancied.
I entertained thoughts of romance,
perhaps lust, though I know but little of it.
So I decided to pick up a new hobby,
it was blog reading.
You could possibly call it:
stalking.
But being the _____ I am,
snivelling coward?
I decided to cover my tracks.
"How?" You may ask.
I would leave you to find out for yourself.
It is more interesting that way.
But then again,
the style in which I write my blog entries
is so dreary,
so dry.
I don't think anyone would be interested enough
to actually act upon it.

So let me go on and proceed
with my life.
Put my idle mind to better use.
Let this piece of empty prose
wither away to fragments of nothing
in time to come.

sometimes, i wonder...

Life is picking up its pace.
After being left in the doldrums for so long
its almost
unbearably
fast

But i like it.
After all,
change is the only constant in life,
isn't it?

(Besides God, but that is a different matter)
(On a side note, i'm such a bloody romantic (>x_x<) )

Just finished As a while back,
now i feel like i'm kinda lacking direction in life.
lol.
tried to apply for admin job
but freaked out.
Then signed up at british council for eng teacher's course.
hopefully my grammar can make it.
erks
after that i'll be a tuition teacher.
hopefully pay mom back her 3k before i go to my next institution.
was browing the earlier posts.
its nice to know more about oneself, no?

just came back from choir camp too.
held at ihm retreat house.
my goodness, it was dirty.
but company there was good.
got to know more about our choir members.
heh
;)

princess is over right now.
a while back she ran into uncle jaffa's house
scared the shit out of me.
he swung a mop at her.
bloody heck.

anyway.

kor has been having issues.
with school, alyssa and what not.
i think he has been lying
and having a guilty conscience
thats why he keeps acting up
and behaving in a cranky manner.
hope all this settles soon.
hurm

we've also been doing
carolling
with theresa, the jiejie from childrens choir
some money earned.
hopefully
its more than i'm expecting
hopefully my maths will fail me
and the numbers larger than i expect.
thats what the others keep telling me
oh well.
lets just focus on spreading the christmas cheer first.
;)

merry xmas, yeah? :)

The Ascendant

Capricorn Symbol

There's a seriousness to Capricorn rising people that is unmistakable. Even when they're joking around, it's of the deadpan variety. In fact, plenty of very humorous people have Capricorn Ascendants. It's all in the timing...and the fact that they don't giggle before the joke is over.

Capricorn Ascendant people project competence. They simply ooze it. They're generally very image-conscious people--the clothes they wear and their manner are a big deal to them. They want to appear successful, and they generally succeed!

Often the Ascendant persona is the one that was forced upon us by family conditioning. For example, parents may label their Libra Ascendant child the "nice" one; their Aries Ascendant child the "independent" one; and their Pisces Ascendant child is generally the space cadet of the family. We adopt these roles as familiar ones, and often carry them with us as our defense mechanisms, in some way or another, for the rest of our lives. In the case of Capricorn Ascendants, these were the children who were considered the responsible ones. Sometimes, it was they themselves who looked around them and felt the need to be the structured, dependable, and responsible members of the family. So, often, Capricorn rising people adopted a strong sense of tradition, family, and responsibility at a very young age.

Capricorn rising people are generally big on family, and forever worry about security--for themselves and their dependents. They come across to others as hard-working, competent, and dependable people. What others may not see under that cool, even suave, exterior, is an inner struggle: they often ask themselves, "Am I doing enough?", "Do I deserve all of this?", "How can I make things better?" They worry a lot about the future.

If success seemed to have come easy to these folks, it hasn't. They just made it look that way with a patient, hard-working, driven personality. Some Capricorn rising people practice some form of self-denial. They know how to do away with the frivolous. Still, they'll spend money on the clothes they really want (the ones with the right labels, that is), and other status symbols. Although they're rarely showy, their quiet air of success is often a result of conscious effort.

More often than not, Capricorn rising individuals are success stories. Their childhoods may have been difficult, but they slowly but surely turn their lives around. Saturn rules this Ascendant, and this generally means a kind of backwards way of living--as children, they are serious and bear a lot of responsibility; and as they grow up, they age beautifully, learning how to loosen up.

The Ascendant (or rising sign) is often considered the mask one wears when meeting others. Perhaps it is most aptly thought of as the automatic responses to one's environment. The Ascendant shows our natural defenses and how we cope with day-to-day issues. The energies of the sign and condition of the Ascendant are most overt and obvious to others. The Ascendant shows an individual's first, natural reaction to new people and situations.

The characteristics of Capricorn Ascendant described above are modified by planets conjunct the Ascendant, planets that aspect the Ascendant, and the position of the ruling planet of the sign on the Ascendant. For example, a person with a Capricorn Ascendant with its ruling planet, Saturn, in Sagittarius will respond to the environment a little differently than another person, also with a Capricorn Ascendant, but whose Saturn is in Scorpio. Similarly, a person with a Capricorn Ascendant who also has Venus conjunct it will "behave" differently than someone with a Capricorn Ascendant who does not have that aspect in their natal charts.

-

The following interpretation of Capricorn Ascendant is from the Karmic Insight Report, and is written from an esoteric viewpoint.

The point that was on the eastern horizon at the moment of your birth is called the ASCENDANT, or rising sign. While the Sun describes your conscious direction and current life focus, and the Moon your subconscious predisposition and past, the Ascendant indicates a way of being that transcends and embraces past, present, and future. It describes the way you engage and merge with the outer world and how you bring through into life the energies depicted by the Sun, the Moon, and the rest of your birth chart. Everything is filtered through the Ascendant from an esoteric point of view. It indicates your soul's function and thus a key part of your destiny.

-

Capricorn Rising - General

Hardheaded realism, earthly pragmatism and a concern for outward form or reputation colors your entire life expression. You are ruled by Saturn, planet of time, old age, and maturity, as well as of pruning, discipline, and restriction, the archetype of the Crone or the Seney, the old man. Thus, you possess the impersonal detachment and worldly understanding of an elder, even in youth. You will have to cultivate flexibility and moisture (in your body as well as in your thinking) in order to offset your natural tendency toward dryness and/or rigidity and stiffness. (Since you are Saturn-ruled, the section on this planet later in the report is especially relevant to you).

Esoterically, mastery of the world of form and the ability to physically manifest and embody spirit is a key to your soul function.

-

A Spiritual Interpretation of Capricorn Rising

The following interpretation of Capricorn Rising is from Your Spiritual Path Report.

"Your rising sign's symbol is the goat, an animal that seeks the highest places on a mountain. The symbol also incorporates the tail of a fish, suggesting that your roots are somehow in the water. The part of the body related to this sign is the knee. Two images come to mind: you engage in the ambitious climb through your profession, seeking greater height for its own sake. Yet you are able to dive into the water and use your flexible knees to move you through the water. The contrast of material upward progress and downward movement into the emotional realm is striking. Yet both are related to the material condition of the living human being.
Your spiritual path lies in the blending of these forces, and the material plane provides the catalyst for your spiritual development. One-sided material ambition cannot elevate you to a higher spiritual plane any more than one-sided emotional life can satisfy you completely. Together they form the foundation from which all future progress emerges. It is from this synthesis that you can move into the nest turning of your upward moving spiritual path.

The hallmark of this rising sign is intelligent activity. Thus it is important for you to pay attention to whatever subjects you study and to go beyond the facts to discern the theory that governs your interests. Finally you will be able to use your skills to identify multiple solutions to problems. Then you can exercise spiritual discernment to identify the solution that best suits the situation and the individuals involved. Underlying the desire to find a workable solution lies the desire to work that solution harmoniously.

Going back to the knee, the capacity to kneel parallels your ability to climb and to swim. I recall stories of pilgrims who travel the last part of their journey to a shrine on their knees as a sign of humility before the greatness of the divine. You may want to learn humility before the greatness of your peers and learn to serve them willingly."

-

Capricorn Ascendant from the Cosmo Natal Report:

"Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike.

You are pragmatic, shrewd, and an excellent strategist, carefully planning your moves for maximum effectiveness and advantage. You are willing to work long and persistently for what you want and you often do things the hard way. You do not expect others to take care of you and sometimes refuse or simply don't seek any outside help. You are often very ambitious, but quietly so. There is nothing flamboyant or flashy about your approach. You are very responsible, conscientious, and very concerned with your duties to others and how you appear in society, your "rank" so to speak.

To others you seem mature, serious, quiet, reflective, and emotionally detached. You dislike sloppy sentimentality and won't openly display your feelings, especially the softer ones. You like to always appear poised and in control and hate to show any weakness, vulnerability, or chinks in the armor.

You respect tradition and the time-honored way of doing things, and you feel there is much to be gained from studying history and also by learning from older, more experienced people. A wise mentor or father is often your guide in life, and you in turn develop a great deal of hard-earned wisdom which you like to impart to younger people.

You have a stern, authoritarian, no-nonsense aspect to your personality. You expect much from yourself and may not give yourself enough room to experiment and make mistakes.

You also tend to be rather close-fisted, to save and conserve your money and resources rather than spending, enjoying, or splurging with them. You spend money on things of quality and of lasting value, things which are good investments, but not frivolous, temporary pleasures. There is a bit of the ascetic in you. You have great self-discipline and self-control and can "do without" very well. Your tastes are generally understated and simple.

Though you may have other, more colorful and imaginative sides, the face you show the world is modest and rather conservative."

-

Famous People with Capricorn Rising:

Lucille Ball (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Taurus)
Candice Bergen (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Cancer)
Wade Boggs (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Sagittarius)
Erma Bombeck (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Sagittarius)
Deborah Boone (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
Ray Bradbury (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Virgo)
Charles Bronson (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Libra)
Bobby Brown (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aries)
Dick Cavett (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Nat King Cole (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Leo)
Sean Connery (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Francis Ford Coppola (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aries)
Marie Curie (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
Catherine Deneuve (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Gemini)
Carmen Electra (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Gemini)
Queen Elizabeth I (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Cancer)
Queen Elizabeth II (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
Jane Fonda (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Mark Hamill (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Libra)
Dustin Hoffman (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aries)
Anthony Hopkins (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Amy Jo Johnson (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Taurus)
Ted Kennedy (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Billy Jean King (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Gemini)
Michael Knight (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Michael Landon (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Brandon Lee (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Pisces)
Liberace (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Leo)
Sophia Loren (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aquarius)
Dylan McDermott (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
Paul Newman (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Scorpio)
George Segal (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Aquarius)
Tom Selleck (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Cancer)
Cindy Williams (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Leo)
Joanne Woodward (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Capricorn)
William Butler Yeats (Capricorn Ascendant, Saturn in Libra)